Chain of Pain

Chain of pain - it sounds like some movie that I do not want to watch. Unfortunately, it is also a life I do not want to live. I've been very reflective lately and realized that pain is often inflicted by someone who is already suffering. Pain is a consequence of being hurt, and no one wants to be alone in their pain. We pass this pain along because we have no idea how to cope with it. So, we develop the unhealthy habit of inflicting it on others, creating this path of destruction and grief for ourselves and those around us. I don't think it is a coincidence that I happened to look back on my last blog post almost exactly 3 years and later. I clearly was in pain, agonizing over the continuous heartbreak I was feeling. A heartache I had been feeling for years, and continued to feel for quite some time after that post. I took that pain inflicted on me for years and years by my ex and inflicted it on my next boyfriend. I continued the chain of pain. And the chain had begun long before me, my ex's previous fiancé had hurt him deeply. How cruel to feel so hurt that we pass it along to people we supposedly care for. It's not intentional, but we hurt other, because we are hurt. So, how do we stop from adding links to this chain? Heal. Don't you love those simple answers that make it sound so easy, when truly, it takes every ounce of effort and strength you can muster. I spent hours in counseling, changed antidepressants..several times, surrounded myself with good people, and sometimes sat alone with my own broken pieces. I had to come to terms with the fact that my broken pieces were shards of glass that would only leave me with bloody fingers if I tried to fit them back together by myself. I learned I could take those shards and make a brand new beautiful mosaic; however, they would never hold the same shape as they once had. It's not that this is a bad thing, but it was very difficult for me to understand why I couldn't put the pieces back together. I was willing to have bloody fingers, but the truth is, I had already cut myself on those pieces time and time and time again. They always had the potential to make a new beautiful piece of art, but I had to let go of the reconstruction and reconfigure the design. I think we want to cover up the pain before we are healed. We want to be all better, ready to move on, and we might be convinced we are, but if I've learned anything, some things take time. Healing, takes time. Maybe you are healing from disappointment in your job, the loss of a loved one, whether it be death or rejection, pain from your childhood or unfulfilled expectations. All of these things are valid pain, but none of these validate passing the pain along. We try so hard not to feel pain that we don't allow ourselves to heal. We're so busy finding the next thing to cover the hurt. The next relationship, the next thrill, the next achievement is not a fix, it's a patch. Allow yourself to feel grief, to feel loss or disappointment. Give yourself permission to take the time to heal. I believe this is the only way to keep from adding link after link to this all too long chain.