Chain of Pain

Chain of pain - it sounds like some movie that I do not want to watch. Unfortunately, it is also a life I do not want to live. I've been very reflective lately and realized that pain is often inflicted by someone who is already suffering. Pain is a consequence of being hurt, and no one wants to be alone in their pain. We pass this pain along because we have no idea how to cope with it. So, we develop the unhealthy habit of inflicting it on others, creating this path of destruction and grief for ourselves and those around us. I don't think it is a coincidence that I happened to look back on my last blog post almost exactly 3 years and later. I clearly was in pain, agonizing over the continuous heartbreak I was feeling. A heartache I had been feeling for years, and continued to feel for quite some time after that post. I took that pain inflicted on me for years and years by my ex and inflicted it on my next boyfriend. I continued the chain of pain. And the chain had begun long before me, my ex's previous fiancé had hurt him deeply. How cruel to feel so hurt that we pass it along to people we supposedly care for. It's not intentional, but we hurt other, because we are hurt. So, how do we stop from adding links to this chain? Heal. Don't you love those simple answers that make it sound so easy, when truly, it takes every ounce of effort and strength you can muster. I spent hours in counseling, changed antidepressants..several times, surrounded myself with good people, and sometimes sat alone with my own broken pieces. I had to come to terms with the fact that my broken pieces were shards of glass that would only leave me with bloody fingers if I tried to fit them back together by myself. I learned I could take those shards and make a brand new beautiful mosaic; however, they would never hold the same shape as they once had. It's not that this is a bad thing, but it was very difficult for me to understand why I couldn't put the pieces back together. I was willing to have bloody fingers, but the truth is, I had already cut myself on those pieces time and time and time again. They always had the potential to make a new beautiful piece of art, but I had to let go of the reconstruction and reconfigure the design. I think we want to cover up the pain before we are healed. We want to be all better, ready to move on, and we might be convinced we are, but if I've learned anything, some things take time. Healing, takes time. Maybe you are healing from disappointment in your job, the loss of a loved one, whether it be death or rejection, pain from your childhood or unfulfilled expectations. All of these things are valid pain, but none of these validate passing the pain along. We try so hard not to feel pain that we don't allow ourselves to heal. We're so busy finding the next thing to cover the hurt. The next relationship, the next thrill, the next achievement is not a fix, it's a patch. Allow yourself to feel grief, to feel loss or disappointment. Give yourself permission to take the time to heal. I believe this is the only way to keep from adding link after link to this all too long chain.

Look Who's Back

It's been a long time since I blogged, but I tend to find my way back here when I'm hurting the most. To fill you in on he past 3 years...growing up sucks, responsibility sucks, love sucks. In other words, same ole same ole. No, I'm now a teacher and absolutely love it; however, I'm pretty sure, other than my career status, most everything has remained the same. I mean, I got a tattoo, nose pierced, rose gold hair, but same town, same house, same TV show (Grey's Anatomy, if it matters), and most significantly, same guy. Almost 6 years now...and it's been a roller coaster. I've been cheated on multiple times, disappointed, left, heartbroken, shattered, rinse and repeat. I've come to the conclusion, I am codependent. I put his happiness, his success and his problems before my own. And it scares the hell out of me to move on... The 'what if's' are my biggest enemy. What if he wants me back after I leave? What if I never find someone else? What if no one ever wants me again? What if he is the one? What if we're meant to be, and I'm just giving up? But I'm not...I'm not just giving up. I've fought for this friendship/relationship for years. Five and a half years to be exact. I have a friend who tells me, eventually, I will have had enough. But when?! When is enough? I think that gauge may be broken for me. I've recently found myself back in church, and much more inclined to believe that God will, in fact, provide. I should just stop there. That's a good place to stop, right? But oh no, my brain can go like this all day long. I should just walk away, right? Lean on Jesus. Have Faith. But the truth is, I'm scared to death to think of what my life will look like without him. Yes, we've stopped talking before, several months at a time even, but genuinely, gone. Poof! I beat myself up, because it's not like this is a divorce. That's a real problem. People have real problems, like disease, poverty, mental illness, and death. This isn't a real problem. But it's my problem. It's the biggest heartache I've ever faced, aside from losing my Grandma. But when I lost her, there was no walking away. She didn't leave me. I didn't leave her. She was taken. I had no control, no going back. This is a choice. I choose 'D', none of the above. No leaving, no heartache. Just love. I guess if it's meant to be, it'll be . And in the meantime, let go and let God.