Sad

It seems like so many things are going wrong, and I feel really alone. I try to do good things, but they always backfire, and I feel so trapped. I want to quit and give up.

Change

Jesus Christ never changes! He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. -Hebrews 13:8

(Thank goodness!!)

Oh my goodness. Everything is changing way too much, way too fast. Within in the past year, I've lots a guy I was crazy about, turned 18, now, almost 19, I graduated high school, started college, my cousin had brain surgery, my best friend passed away, I just found out one of my other best friends is engaged.SLOW DOWN for goodness sake! I'm kinda totally and completely losing it. I have school til 1, pay for boutineer, Mrs. Libby's to finish my dress, Gooney Golf tonight with youth, youth car wash in the morning, prom after that, and tests and finals and homework piling up. I'm just kinda freaking out. Pray.

And that is how change happens. One gesture, one person, one moment at a time.

Hectic Week

This week is going to be insanely busy.

Monday: I have classes, then home for some quick homework and finish up my essay. Followed by a little bit of tanning, weather permitting(it didnt..its turned COLD). The talent show is at 7. I'll be there to support Tucker, then leave at the intermission to make it to Cross Roads softball game at 8:30. Finally home after that for some more homework, then to sleep.

Tuesday: Chem lab(overslept and missed it), then to Hancock's to get the royal blue invisible zipper for my prom dress. I will then deliever that to Mrs. Libby and probably hang out with her for the majority of the day(nope, i hung out with cory most of the day).

Wednesday: School, school, and more school. Hobby Lobby for netter for my dress. Take that to Mrs Libby. Getting my nails done, then runnin by Ruth's to pay for Chris's boutineer, and back to Mrs Libby's for an hour or so before I have to hurry home and get ready for youth with Miss Sarah. I might make cookies if I have time.

Thursday: NO CLASS!(so much for that...b/c i missed class tues and had a free day, i have to go to my chem lab today) Yay! That is always a perk. But I will spent the majority of the day running around getting things ready for prom and with Mrs. Libby and maybe visiting my OHS friends. Although, I really don't want anything to do with stupid high schoolers right now (exclude my few true friends who are still there). Plus, I would like to stop by and hang out with Aunt Robin, Emma Kate, Wesley, and Seth if i have time.

Friday: Back to school. Lovely. Home to tan. Last actual day to lay out before prom. Then Gooney Golf with the youth group and CiCi's afterwards.

Saturday: Well, I kind of overbooked this day. I have a youth car wash from 10AM until 2PM. Then I will have a very short time to get home and take a shower and get ready for prom. YIKES! Then of course...PROM!

All of this on top of whatever homework and tests and quizzes me lovely teachers decide to hand out so graceously.

Essay

I really dislike writing essays. This is by far the most intersting and easier than any other I've been assigned, but at the same time, it is longer than any of the others. And of course, Valerie decided to wait until the very last possible moment to start. 1200 words. I was at 233 when I began around 11:30PM. It's now 2:36AM and I have 765. Progress = fail. I will finish. It may be more around 1000-1100, but at this point, I don't care too terribly much. I'm very sleepy, besides, I have a two hour break to work on it tomorrow in the library, but I may get distracted and can't finish. That would be bad. I think I will give myself until 3:10AM, then call it a night and finish tomorrow, hopefully. All I have left is the third body paragraph and the conclusion. I don't think there is even enough to say to make it 1000, but I'll give it a shot. It's about three defining characteristics that describe todays american society. I am the kind of person who gets in and gets out. I make my point quickly and am done, no fluff. But word limits bug me and make me add lots of stuff that really taints the essay. Alrighty, wish me luck!

Alright so...4:10AM (stayed up much later than I planned) and I'm at 1049 words and I still have to add a reference from my book. so YAY!! I will do that tomorrow though. Til then. Night night.

October 12

My birthday. I began thinking about this date, and realized...I turn TWENTY next year! Oh my goodness. I am very excited to grow up, but terrified at the same time. Thing are changing so much. I'm not too sure how I feel about it all. I guess I will just have to give it some time and see how it turns out.

Reality

This past month has been so hard. First, I found out my nine year old cousin has a major spinal curve, then about a week later, we find out she needs emergeny brain surgery within a week. The day after she comes home, Anthony calls me telling me my best friend has been in a car wreck. A week after that, I spend Easter Sunday in the hospital waiting, because we were told she wasn't going to make it though the day. That Friday, she did pass away. The following Sunday was her funeral. Finally, I thought I might have some down time, but no such luck. Three in the morning, Tuesday, I find out, my cousin has been rushed to the ER and then to Atlanta due to a fever, dry heaving, and severe pain. Come to find out she has a CSF (Cranial Spinal Fluid) leak. The next few days will determine whether she will need another surgery to repair it. Then some girls decide to give me a hard time for being friends with my ex. I got out of high school to get away from the drama. Needless to say, I have been a bit of a mess, and my grades have most definately suffered. I can't focus on anything. I'm so stressed out and confused. I would love to forget this past month and just move on, but I don't know how easy it will be to get past all this anytime soon. Time heals all wounds? Then someone please explain to me why I can't talk about my Grandma, who passed away five years ago, without breaking down. I can't think about my most recent break up, which took place about six months ago, without falling apart. I'm so confused and hurt.

Sounds like life to me.
It ain’t no fantasy.
It’s just a common case of everyday reality.
Man I know it’s tough but you gotta suck it up.
To hear you talk you’re caught up in some tragedy.
It sounds like life to me.

Care

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
nothing is going to get better. It's not.

What if we all truely cared.

Care inspires and gently reassures us. Lending us a feeling of security and support,it reinforces our connection with others. Not only is it one of the best things we can do for our health, but it feels good — whether we're giving or receiving it.

About each other? About the enviroment? About anything? It doesn't even matter what it is that we would all care about. Just think of what we could accomplish, if we all cared.

Too often we under estimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

Drama

I truely despise drama. It is completely unnecessary and just causes strife, stress, and hurt feelings. I have been privliaged to converse with some younger teenagers this week and been pulled into some drama myself. I quickly eliminated the source(facebook) and went on my way, glad to be rid of it.

You just have to live your life not caring
and shake off the drama
just to prove that you are better
than they think you are


I have unfortunately discovered, drama tends to be a result of a lack of comprehension or understanding. In my case, the dramatic party is ill informed and misunderstanding a situation I have in my life. They don't quite see the whole picture and only have a narrow perspective. As a result, I got jumped on and falsely accused. Therefore, I will do my best to contiue to be the bigger person. I know I haven't done anything out of line and have kept my composure with the accusing party. I refuse to "feed the fire." I hope this ends soon.

Only let us hold true to what we have attained.
Philippians 3:16

Candice Willmore - My Gorgeous Guardian Angel

I don't really feel like saying much right now, but my best friend, Candice was in a car wreck on Sunday, March 28, 2010. I woke up to nine missed calls, one text(saying "call me...now"), and a voicemail, all from Anthony. Immediately, I paniced and called him. He told me Candice had hydroplaned and wrecked on her way to church, due to the very heavy rain. As soon as church was over, I went to the hospital. I spent many days, and many hours down there that week. Her levels would fluxuate like crazy and there was no telling what would happen. She was placed in a medically induced coma to allow her brain to rest and heal. The impact caused her brain to hit her skull very hard, like shaken baby syndrome. On Easter Sunday, I got a text saying she wasn't doing well and the doctors didn't predict her to make it though the day. She did. Again, I spent many days and many hours at the hospital. I finally got the call I had been praying wouldn't come the evening of Friday, April 9, 2010. My beautiful friend had gone to dance with her Lord and Savior. Sunday, April 11, 2010 was her funeral. I can't even begin to find the words to explain how much I love and miss her, but I know I will see her again. I can't wait to lift my hands and spin around together again.
I love you Candice.