To Forgive or To Resent, That is the Question

I always considered myself a forgiving person. I give people chance after chance after chance. That is forgiveness, right? Or so I thought. Allowing someone to repeat their mistakes isn't forgiveness, because after I have given them this chance, they let me down again. And after they let me down, I wonder why I was so gullible as to trust that they care enough to choose something different. I never forgave them. I gave them the chance to make it right so I didn't have to forgive them, because forgiveness is hard!

Forgiveness means I have to accept I'm hurt and allow it to be. I get so caught up in trying to make it right, I never give the chance to just accept things the way they are. If you always battle with the mistake, try to justify or change it, you will always resent it. Without accepting it, you cannot forgive it. And boy, do I have a hard time accepting!

I find myself harboring this resentment to the point that it spills over into every part of my life. I hear about someone getting married, and I just cling to my own hurt and resentment that someone else has what I've so desperately wanted. I pile hurt upon hurt, but this time, I am hurting myself, by holding on to how someone wronged me, I am keeping myself from healing.

I recently discovered battling resentment is part of AA and NA. Here is an exert I found:

Dear God, I have a resentment towards a person that I want to be free of. So, I am asking you to give this person everything I want for myself. Help me to feel compassionate understanding and love for this person. I pray that they will receive everything they need. Thank you God for your help and strength with this resentment.  (BB, Freedom from Bondage:  552)

These instructions are for the above prayer (Big Book, Freedom from Bondage, p. 552):

'If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free...Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love.'   

Oh my goodness. I'm supposed to pray for the people who have hurt me to get all the things I have desired for myself. Are you kidding me?! But, I can say, hiding this hurt, this resentment, has only made me a very sad and ugly person on the inside. I've always balked the saying that forgiveness isn't for them, it's for you. How is it for me? But, I know, holding on to this will only cause me to suffer more. Maybe forgiving them really isn't about them. Maybe I do deserve the freedom of forgiveness, not forgiveness placed on me, but my forgiveness given to others. Maybe that is how I get back to joy, joy for others, and joy for myself. 

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 

1 Peter 5:7

Chain of Pain

Chain of pain - it sounds like some movie that I do not want to watch. Unfortunately, it is also a life I do not want to live. I've been very reflective lately and realized that pain is often inflicted by someone who is already suffering. Pain is a consequence of being hurt, and no one wants to be alone in their pain. We pass this pain along because we have no idea how to cope with it. So, we develop the unhealthy habit of inflicting it on others, creating this path of destruction and grief for ourselves and those around us. I don't think it is a coincidence that I happened to look back on my last blog post almost exactly 3 years and later. I clearly was in pain, agonizing over the continuous heartbreak I was feeling. A heartache I had been feeling for years, and continued to feel for quite some time after that post. I took that pain inflicted on me for years and years by my ex and inflicted it on my next boyfriend. I continued the chain of pain. And the chain had begun long before me, my ex's previous fiancé had hurt him deeply. How cruel to feel so hurt that we pass it along to people we supposedly care for. It's not intentional, but we hurt other, because we are hurt. So, how do we stop from adding links to this chain? Heal. Don't you love those simple answers that make it sound so easy, when truly, it takes every ounce of effort and strength you can muster. I spent hours in counseling, changed antidepressants..several times, surrounded myself with good people, and sometimes sat alone with my own broken pieces. I had to come to terms with the fact that my broken pieces were shards of glass that would only leave me with bloody fingers if I tried to fit them back together by myself. I learned I could take those shards and make a brand new beautiful mosaic; however, they would never hold the same shape as they once had. It's not that this is a bad thing, but it was very difficult for me to understand why I couldn't put the pieces back together. I was willing to have bloody fingers, but the truth is, I had already cut myself on those pieces time and time and time again. They always had the potential to make a new beautiful piece of art, but I had to let go of the reconstruction and reconfigure the design. I think we want to cover up the pain before we are healed. We want to be all better, ready to move on, and we might be convinced we are, but if I've learned anything, some things take time. Healing, takes time. Maybe you are healing from disappointment in your job, the loss of a loved one, whether it be death or rejection, pain from your childhood or unfulfilled expectations. All of these things are valid pain, but none of these validate passing the pain along. We try so hard not to feel pain that we don't allow ourselves to heal. We're so busy finding the next thing to cover the hurt. The next relationship, the next thrill, the next achievement is not a fix, it's a patch. Allow yourself to feel grief, to feel loss or disappointment. Give yourself permission to take the time to heal. I believe this is the only way to keep from adding link after link to this all too long chain.

Look Who's Back

It's been a long time since I blogged, but I tend to find my way back here when I'm hurting the most. To fill you in on he past 3 years...growing up sucks, responsibility sucks, love sucks. In other words, same ole same ole. No, I'm now a teacher and absolutely love it; however, I'm pretty sure, other than my career status, most everything has remained the same. I mean, I got a tattoo, nose pierced, rose gold hair, but same town, same house, same TV show (Grey's Anatomy, if it matters), and most significantly, same guy. Almost 6 years now...and it's been a roller coaster. I've been cheated on multiple times, disappointed, left, heartbroken, shattered, rinse and repeat. I've come to the conclusion, I am codependent. I put his happiness, his success and his problems before my own. And it scares the hell out of me to move on... The 'what if's' are my biggest enemy. What if he wants me back after I leave? What if I never find someone else? What if no one ever wants me again? What if he is the one? What if we're meant to be, and I'm just giving up? But I'm not...I'm not just giving up. I've fought for this friendship/relationship for years. Five and a half years to be exact. I have a friend who tells me, eventually, I will have had enough. But when?! When is enough? I think that gauge may be broken for me. I've recently found myself back in church, and much more inclined to believe that God will, in fact, provide. I should just stop there. That's a good place to stop, right? But oh no, my brain can go like this all day long. I should just walk away, right? Lean on Jesus. Have Faith. But the truth is, I'm scared to death to think of what my life will look like without him. Yes, we've stopped talking before, several months at a time even, but genuinely, gone. Poof! I beat myself up, because it's not like this is a divorce. That's a real problem. People have real problems, like disease, poverty, mental illness, and death. This isn't a real problem. But it's my problem. It's the biggest heartache I've ever faced, aside from losing my Grandma. But when I lost her, there was no walking away. She didn't leave me. I didn't leave her. She was taken. I had no control, no going back. This is a choice. I choose 'D', none of the above. No leaving, no heartache. Just love. I guess if it's meant to be, it'll be . And in the meantime, let go and let God.

Unworthy

Anyone who knows me, knows I try to be on top of things all the time. But today, I feel so incompetent. My mind isn't sharp enough, my emotions are controlled enough, my body isn't fit enough. I can't meet the expectations I have for myself today. I feel so unworthy. Deep breath. I'll try again tomorrow.

.

Three Crosses



Three brand new, gigantic crosses are being constructed right off I-75. I believe Jesus Christ died on the cross for me. But I don't think these huge crosses are the way to show the Lord's love. How many times have you stood in line at Wal-Mart and seen someone have to put things back because they didn't have the money? Couldn't you help them? You could take that money and buy someone's coffee at Starbucks. That would speak volumes to me. Take that money, and make a difference in someone's life. Don't you think that would be letting God's light shine though you? What do these crosses do? How do they help? How do they make a difference? God didn't put flashy signs up to remind us how great he is, or to thank him. He put his effort into working in everyday people's lives. When will people understand it's not about how tall your steeple is or how many your sanctuary holds. I just don't understand how these huge metal poles will show God's love.

God's Unfailing Love

The God I know is a Lord who demonstrates: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. He instructs his followers to be consumed with these traits and to allow his light and love to be shown through each and every one of us. What was his reaction to every individual he met? Love, patience, kindness, gentleness.
Jonathan Edwards’ sermon “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God,” illustrates a vengeful and merciless Lord, and somehow we have adopted this as our approach to anyone we deem a “bad person.” The human race has become so abusive. Verbally, physically, and through everyday actions we continually abuse, hurt, and tear down others. I cannot imagine that God would show homosexuals anything but love and kindness. The God I know would sit down with anyone and share his waffle fries. He wouldn’t shove a chicken sandwich in their face to prove a point.
I am nowhere near understanding the love God has for each of us as his children. However, I love my family more than anything in the world, and the thought of anyone hating or hurting my family through words or actions breaks my heart. Therefore, wouldn’t the distain and hateful actions towards gays and lesbians, even if they are indirect, hurt God?
God has not burdened us with the task of judgment. Judgment is God’s responsibility, and his alone. Our task is to love uncompromisingly.

How do we glorify God when we deliberately go against his word?

‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’ The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:30-31

A Fog

I feel like I'm in a fog. It's an awful feeling, truly. I am worried. I am always worried. I am a worrier. I need to hand my worries to God. Actually, I have. Then, a few hours later, I take them back, as if I don't trust God to handle them. But I know better than that. I know he can, if I allow him to. I suppose I ought to explain myself. Well, here it goes. Seth has a super big dose of chemo tomorrow, which breaks my heart, because I know after these doses he isn't himself for almost a whole week. He also gets a spinal tap, and just thinking about it makes me hurt for him. I also have just gotten a new job. I now have to turn in my two weeks notice to my current employer. As excited as I am for a change, I could not have been more blessed to work with such wonderful girls for my first job. That being said, leaving them will be very hard for me. In addition to this, but before I tell you, I am fully aware of how pathetic I am about to sound, I saw Chris's car in a parking lot while driving home yesterday, and boy did I just lose it. Allow me to assure you, the waterworks were a sight to be seen. I think about him everyday, but nothing compared to how much I did in the past. And I can almost block things out now. But seeing his car, reminded me he is real, and I can't always block him out. It's not like he just disappeared. I proceeded to call my aunt whole "boo-hooing" and her advice was to text him and tell him I miss him. HA! I honestly don't think he would even respond to that. Of course I miss him, but we haven't talked since we moved back from Knoxville. I don't feel like that would go over well. I don't think he wants to hear from me at all, much less to hear that. Oh heavens, why must life be so doggone complicated. We'll talk. Eventually. I would like to think that eventually he will come to me, but if I wait for that, I might be waiting forever. I think we are where we need to be for now, and we'll just have to wait and see what happens in the future. And you all know how impatient of a person I am, so that is very big of me to say that, if I do say so myself. I also have decided to get an iPhone, Macbook, and a new-to-me car. Haha. This is a large contributing factor as to why I was looking into new jobs. My car with no air conditioning in 108 degree weather, and phone that likes to randomly shut off, and computer that is about to go kaput, just isn't cutting it. However, it is stressful to buy expensive things. But that sure are nice once you have them. I will also be starting back at school in late August. I have sighed up for A&P along with Microbiology. My schedule begins at 8am. I will be hating life here soon, but there is a part of me that is rather anxious to start school again. I like staying busy, it helps me stay focused and provides me with very little time to be sad. But for now, I do feel as if I am walking in a fog. A very lonely fog. I really don't talk to anyone outside my family anymore. I just hope and pray that God will work in my life throughout the next several months and bring me peace and happiness.

Martine Olive

Martine Olive Baldwin, my precious, beautiful great grandmother, "granny," passed away February 24, 2012 at the age of 93. I wish I would have thought to ask her more questions or found out more about her life. What was life really like growing up in the 20's? But I do have many wonderful memories. She was the ideal granny. She was the perfect, loving, understanding, caring great grandmother. I will miss her so much, but I can't wait til I see her lovely face again in heaven.

Coming Home

This semester has been quite the roller coaster. I have decided I will not be attending the University of Tennessee next year. I will be back in Chattanooga, probably at Chattanooga State. Back at Charming Charlie. Back home. I'll really miss several people, and I will miss the excitement of being apart of this university. I was relieved at first. However, once I told Chris,  it began to set it how torn I am between staying and leaving. Chris was the reason I came, and will be what makes leaving the hardest. I feel like it is the best decision for me, even though I struggle with it daily. I don't like making these big girl decisions.

Home for the Holidays

Oh it is been so nice to be home for more than 48 hours! I love being able to jump in my car whenever I want and go where ever I want without depending on anyone else. I love being back at work. I don't particularly miss working retail during the holidays, but I have missed my girls terribly! I've also begun hanging out with Anthony. We never really had a chance to be friends before we dated, but it is so nice to be be friends now. He always has tried to fix me when I'm broken, so he has been working on me all break, making me smile here, making me laugh there, cheering me up all the time. I've also gotten to spend time with my family. I have missed them all so much. Especially my cousins. They are growing up so fast, I want to be around as much as possible. I have spent a lot of the break trying to get over the break up. I have made so much progress. I only hope I can keep my composure when we get back to Knoxville. It ought to be interesting to see how it plays out. I am very excited to see Paige again. I have missed her a lot! I also found out the night of Emma and Corie's dance recital, that Aunt Marcy and Uncle Chris are probably getting a divorce. That did not go over well since I have no experience with dealing with divorce. But God knows what needs to happen and I know he has control of the situation whichever way it turns out. I also began to miss Grandma so much this Christmas. It's been almost 7 years, but I still think about her daily and miss her a lot.

Now the actual holiday part of the break. Well, to be perfectly honest, the holidays alone are extremely depressing for me. I hate being alone. It makes me very sad. However, I have tried to keep myself very busy with work and reading and with friends and family. I have been reading The Hunger Games. They are incredible. If you know me at all, you know I do not read. These books have me hooked! I read each book in about 2 days. Christmas seemed to come and go without much clamor. We celebrated with Dad's side early so that Pappaw could be in Arkansas with Mammaw and Aunt Kay for Christmas because this might be Mammaw's last. Christmas day was nice. We got up, opened presents, then spent the evening playing games and hanging out at David and Robin's.  The day after Christmas we traveled to Birmingham to celebrate with my Mum's side. My aunt and uncles and cousin flew in from California. It is the only time I get to see them all year, so it is always fun to catch up. That bring us up to today. Today is New Year's Day. I had some friend over last night to celebrate the new year. It was nice to have friends around, and made it much less depressing to be alone. But still, not having someone to kiss at midnight was just a little sad. But this is a even year, and the even years seem to be much better than the odd! So I have great expectations for this year! I pray everyone has a blessed New Year and that 2012 brings much joy to your life (and hopefully not the end of the world. haha). I look forward to what 2012 has in store for me and am excited to see how God will work in my life throughout the next 366 days (it's a leap year).

You Make Me Smile

I had a guy I thought was "the one." I just knew we would be together forever, but that apparently wasn't what was meant to be. So here I am, back at square one, and it's time for me to reassess what it is I really want in a guy.

What I Want In A Guy:
1.***Loves God and encourages me in my relationship with the Lord.
2.***Makes me laugh.
3.**Affectionate.
4.***Makes me feel good about myself (inspires me to be a better person).
5.**Doesn't get tired of me too easily.
6.***Accepts/loves me for exactly who I am. (and all my silly quirks)
7.***Makes me feel protected and secure.
8.*Kind of outdoorsy and/or athletic
9.***Faithful.
10.*Country boy.
11.*Sings. (I don't care if he's any good, just sings for the fun of it)
12.*Knows how to fix things, change the oil, build a shed, handyman.
13.**Likes to go out and knows how to have a good time.
14.**Wants a family.
15.**Loves both my and his family.
16.**Can have an educated conversation with and will openly listen (even if he doesn't agree).
17.*Isn't a flirt.
18.*Challenges me to try new things (within reason).
19.*Doesn't mind dressing up for a night out every once in a while.
20.****Believes marriage is forever.
21.**Supportive of me and helps me reach my goals.
22.**Knowledgeable (common sense/clever).
23.**Likes to be close to me.
24.***Can show me he loves me.
25.***Respects me.
26.**Open-minded.
27.**Compassionate, caring, thoughtful.
28.*Can act like a goof and be serious.
29.**Has goals set for his life and is motivated.
30.*Manners (polite and a gentleman).
31.*Physically attractive to me.
32.***Can wrap his arms around me and make me feel like everything will be ok, with a simple hug.
33.*Likes to travel.
34.***Honest.
35.**Doesn't mind me being a stay-at-home mom once we have kids.
36.*Taller than me.
37.*Can be spontaneous.
38.*Observant.
39.**Patient.
40.**Vols fan.
41.**Confident but not cocky.
42.*Doesn't act differently around his friends.
43.**Social/Outgoing.
44.**Not tacky/Clean.
45.***Reliable.
46.*Creative.
47.*Passionate.
48.**Knows how to manage his time.
49.**Can manage his temper.
50.**Not harsh or critical of me.
51.*Defends me.


*** Vital
** Required
* Preferred

Letting Go

And one day, one moment, it hits. You just know. It's time to walk away. When you've stood there so long and it does nothing but hurt, it's time to let go. You're doing nothing but killing yourself. Waiting for changes that will never come. Or, maybe they will. But why wait in misery? Why wait at all for someone who won't wait on you? And then, slowly, and very painfully, you let go. You move on. You tell yourself it will be ok, even though you don't know how it could ever be ok. It doesn't feel like it now, but just think about how amazing it will feel down the road when you can look back and say, "It hurt like hell then, but just look at me now. Look how far I've come."

Me, Myself, and I

I'm fine all by myself. I'm a strong independent girl who doesn't need to depend on anyone else. I'm intelligent. I'm pretty. I truly care about people. I'm loving. I have so much to give. And I feel like he just sees right through me, like I'm just another face in the crowd. How can he be fine with this so easily, when it's breaking my heart? I just don't understand. Doesn't he care? I'm done trying to be friends. He can come to me if and when he ever wants me around. It hurts too much to always feel like I'm the one making the effort. I feel so taken for granted.
Now, I just wish I could actually convince myself of all this.

Rollercoasters



The crazy rollercoaster of emotions I have amazes me. One minute, I'm wanting nothing more than to be held close and comforted. For you to tell me everything is going to be ok. And the next, I don't even want to try being friends anymore. It hurts either way. I can't imagine my life without you, and it hurts to see you accept this so easily. I told you when you walked through that door, everything would change. I was right. Every once in a while, you look at me and smile, but for the most part, I feel so invisible to you. Just another friend. How do you do that? I'm so jealous! I would give anything to not look at you and remember everything about us. Sometime it makes me so angry that you left, I want nothing more to do with you. I want to hate you. I want to say you never cared, but I know you did. You have a hard time showing it, but I know you do. I feel like I will never meet anyone else as amazing as you. I've never trusted anyone like I was able to to trust you. I've never had someone accept me exactly as I am, like you did. I've never been able to open up and feel so comfortable and safe with anyone, like I was able to with you. I just want this to be over. I'm tired of hurting. It takes every ounce of engery to smile and act like nothing is wrong when I'm with you. It's exausting. But then, I have those moments of glorious relief when I get this amazing sense of peace, and remember, God is working in my life at this very moment. He has a plan, and his plan is perfect. No matter how much this may hurt now, it will end. And in the end, I will be stonger. God has someone out there, I believe that. Whether it is Chris or not, he has someone. Someone who will love me for who I am, and who I can trust entirely. He will be someone who will never leave me and will be my best friend. I don't know about you, but for me, that is so exciting!

Hanging in There

This isn't a very well constructed post. I'm not even going to bother proofreading it. I'm just too tired:
Well, I'm here. It's been about three weeks now, and I've laid in bed almost every night wondering what in the world I've gotten myself into. In a nutshell, I don't have a roommate, which is the most lonely thing in the world. Natalie is busy a lot, so I haven't seen her much lately. Chris and I got back together, for a week. It didn't work out, so we broke back up. So I'm back at square one feeling completely broken again, but we're friends. Being friends with the person I'm crazy about is not easy. It takes every ounce of energy to put a smile on when I see him and pretend like my heart isn't shattered into a million pieces. I see him almost everyday, but I don't think he has a clue how much I miss him. I really wish all this wasn't happening. It's really stressful and confusing. As if I'm not enough of an emotional person, right? As for classes, they are going well. My public speaking teacher told me after my first speech, I cross my eyes when I get nervous. So now I'm even more nervous. I have biology with Tyler. It's nice to know at least one person in one of my classes. Spanish is killing me. It has by far the largest work load, but even that is doable. What kills me is that she expects me to participate in class! I don't do well participating in English, much less Spanish! Math is easy. And that leaves Philosophy. Discussing Plato's thoughts on life at 9am, is just not working for me. But once I wake up a bit, it really isn't too bad. The first football game is in 1 day and 19 hours!! I'm so excited for that! Plus, Boomsday is Sunday! And the family is coming up! Then Monday is Labor Day, no school! Yay! Other than all that, I've been super sick almost continuously since I got here. Well, actually, I guess since I started the Metformin, but it's gotten worse this week. Sometimes, I just want to go home. I really miss home. I miss my family, and my car, and my friends, and my work, and my bed, and my own private bathroom, and my normal size fridge, and a microwave that cooks the whole bacg of popcorn, and not just burn half of it. I miss my TV, I miss my filtered water, I miss darkness and quiet when I sleep. I miss being able to cook and bake. I just miss home. However, for now, this is where I am. This is where I'm staying, and I have to make the best of it. God has placed me here for a reason and I'll have faith that he will get me though this, one day at a time.

Curve Balls

Well, life has thrown a couple curve balls my way lately:
1. Chris and I broke up. Probably the hardest thing I have dealt with in years, because I'm pretty much crazy about the kid. I’m more torn up about this even more than any or all of the things listed below, combined.
2. I've been diagnosed with PCOD, Polycystic Ovarian Disease. PCOD just happens to be the leading cause of infertility.
3. I've been diagnosed with Insulin Resistance, which is apparently Pre Diabetes. This means, my Pancreas is making tons and tons of Insulin. However, my body won't use it or even acknowledge it. My blood sugar is completely fine, but my Insulin levels are through the roof. This is why I've gained so much weight the past few months. I've been put on a Type 2 Diabetes medicine called Metformin, which makes my body use the Insulin. It's working. I've lost 7 pounds in the 7 days I've been on it. The downside is, it makes me super sick. I feel icky every time I eat, and a lot of the time, I don't even have an appetite to eat. My dosage will continue to increase over the next few weeks, but will level out at 1500 mg. I'm praying my body will then adjust to the medicine, because I hate feeling so sick all the time.
4. The doctor called me in today to talk. I've never had a doctor call me in to talk. Well, she had a pretty good and upsetting reason. She knew something didn't seem right with my Uterus, so she sent me to have an ultra sound done. The results were in. According to the Ultra Sound Tech, I have Hyperplasia Endometrium, otherwise known as Pre-Cancer of the Uterus. I now have to squeeze in yet another surgery prior to my moving to Knoxville to determine whether this is the case or not. The doctor seemed to think I was way too young to have this, but she felt the Ultra Sound Tech was adamant enough that it needed to be further investigated.
On top of all this, I am dealing with the emotional goodbyes to my amazing Charming Charlie co-workers and my family and friends, as I prepare to move 100 miles away to the University of Tennessee at Knoxville.

Growing Up



AH! This growing up business is really kind of scary! One minute, we're all in elementary school coloring and learning our ABC's, and next thing you know we've graduated high school, moved off, getting married, and having babies. Anyone who knows me at all, knows I'm not a fan of change, and these are quite monumental changes!! However, as scary as it is, it's also really exciting! Heck, and I thought everyone getting their driver's license and a job was very "adult-ish" of us. Honestly, I've recently become mortally afraid of getting old. I know this sounds terrible, but truly, I am honest to goodness terrified of even hitting 30. (NO, I am not saying 30 is old! I'm saying it's a stepping stone to 80!) I've got a ways to go, I have a few more months til 20, which I'm also struggling with.

Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come.
-The Wonder Years

It's all just hitting me that this is it...no more being babied, no excuses. Maybe I'm afraid of failing? Or just not knowing where I'm going in life. I've been working on student loans lately, and they add up fast! I have all these "what ifs" floating around in my head: what if I cant get into the nursing program, what if I'm not smart enough, what if I can't get a good paying job after college, what if I can't pay back my loans, what if my car falls apart and I don't have the money for a new one, what if I don't have the money for an apartment and have to move back home. The future seems to uncertain. I am too much of a control freak, I need to have faith and hand it over to God and trust him. I know he will take care of me. I wish I could let go and embrace the ride, enjoy my youth, and take advantage of the many exciting opportunities I have laid out before me. Yep, that sounds like a much better plan.

Too many people grow up. That's the real trouble with the world, too many people grow up. They forget. They don't remember what it's like to be 12 years old. They patronize, they treat children as inferiors. Well I won't do that.
-Walt Disney

Moving

5/3/11:
And so begins the preparartions to move into a dorm at UT! I've already made a large dent in my shopping list, and expanded my "college corner" to about a fourth of my room! I have everything from my beadspread to band-aids, with much more to go. Every paycheck, I put some into savings, and whats left, I coax Mum into going college shopping with me!! We spent hours at Target last week, with much success!!
7/17/11:
AHH!! I move is less than one month!! I still haven't been assigned a building, room, or roommate!! Which is making me really antsy! I've gotten almost everything though. I've had MANY shopping trips like the one in the previous entry. My "college corner" continues to grow and grow. I made a crazy long, catagorized, color coded list of what I need, what I have, what I want, lol. It's massive. I'm getting so excited!
8/2/11:
11 days until I move in. I've been assigned to South Carrick 513 with Katie Peck. She seems super sweet!! But, for those who don't know, South Carrick 513 is a study room. UTK decided to over contract by about 100. This means that they have converted many study rooms to temporary dorm rooms. No closet, no in-room bathroom, no luxuries like that. So we will have a key to our own private bathroom, which is down the hall, and will just have to make do without a closet. However, this room is only temporary. After the two week freeze housing puts on all housing changes at the beginning of school, they will then see who is a no show, and I will be split up from my current roommate and we will be placed into normal dorm rooms. Sigh. On the flip side, I have almost every single thing on my mega list. Haha. I only lack a very few simple school supplies and such.
8/12/11:
I move tomorrow!!!! I'm so excited and kinda scared. I was changed to Humes 619. So now I have a permanent room and won't have to move again!! Yay! But I'm sad I won't be rooming with Katie. She was so nice!! I've only contacted one of the other three girls in our suit. It's 4AM and mum and I just finished packing. There are still a few odds and ends she will have to finish up tomorrow. Because of my surgery today, we had to finish everything tonight. I'm really nervous about being able to move everything. I think I may have to leave a lot of the lifting and carrying to the guys, and focus on unpacking and organizing since I will still be recovering. It is still so surreal! I can't wait!!

Goodbye Chattanooga State

I should be studying for my math exam I'm about to take, however, I haven't blogged in ages, and this was where I did most of my blogging a year ago. While I'm so excited to go to UT, I'm actually kind of sad to leave Chatt State. I know where everything is here, and I'm comfortable. The thought of going to a huge new campus is pretty scary. This past semester has been the best yet. Lunch with Zachy every Tuesday and Thursday is the best!! I guess I'm on to bigger and better things, but change is always difficult for me. I'll definitely miss it here.

UT Orientation

Still hasn't hit me that I'm about to move 100 miles away in just 3 short months. Mum and I made the trek to Knoxville, stayed at the Holiday Inn-World's Fair. She was so excited that the World's Fair ball just right outside our window. We spent the evening with Christopher. He showed us around campus (my 2nd time that week, because I had visited him earlier that week, and I was still completely lost!). We watched Sex in the City, which I found pretty funny, because that is definitely not one of our Mother/Daughter kinda movies. It was an early morning, but went fairly smoothly. I got my "VolCard" (student ID), which is an absolutely awful picture. I look pretty demonic with my red eye. Then began the endless hours of lectures on financial aid, enrollment, classes, campus life, etc... Finally, we had our group advising, which was quite overwhelming. She wanted me to take Biology and Microbiology in the same semester. No thank you! I ended up with 16 hours. And a pretty do-able course load. We ended our trip with dinner in the UC with Chris. Then headed home. I slept most of the way, and left the radio on country music. Mum said it played non-stop songs about leaving home, and growing up. That's country music for ya. Overall, pretty successful orientation.