Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and
praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that they feel the same.
I believe that there is one person in every individial's life who defines love for them. Their first "love." The first person to give them butterflies. The first person who they simply want all the happiness in the world for. The first person they fall head over heels for. But this person who define love for us rarely stay. They leave us to move on and find another who will make our hearts flutter. At the age of nineteen, I believe I have found the first person to take my breath away when he kisses me, take my fear away when he hugs me, and take my heart when he leave me. Oh so many more to come, I am sure. (Please keep in mind, I do not forget I am eighteen, and am well aware that I have a lifetime left to live, and this is not the end of the world (although I won't deny that it feels that way occasionally). I try to remind myself of this often, because it is all too easy to
get caught up in the moment and feel like the sky is falling).
We are all a little weird
and life's a little weird,
and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours,
we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.
- Dr. Seuss
I've been told that you never truely get over the first person you love. I don't doubt it, but I believe that there is someone else, who will sweep you off your feet, and take the pain away. I am anxiously awaiting this moment. I feel pathetic still crying myself to sleep some night. It seems, most of my friends who have had break ups are all better and good to go in no time. This is by far, an art, and nothing less.
Guard your heart above all else, for it
determines the course of your life.
-Proverbs 4:23
God knows the desires of my heart. I pray for God to allow my heart to let go, if it be his will. Or, that my heart stay, if it be his will. But if my heart is to stay, that God take away the heartache. I don't know why God would allow my heart to stay with someone who I am not meant to be with, and I wouldn't think that he would. But God has a plan, a perfect plan, and if it be his will that my heart hurts a little bit longer, then I will not combat him. It's a constant, relentless battle for me. How to let go? Is something wrong with me? Has God sent me a sign and I missed it? Has God told me to let go and I just missed the memo?! (I read this back to myself, and laughed. I know it sounds silly, but it's true). I do not want to keep hurting. I do not want to keep missing him. It just isn't normal to still be hurting this long afterwards. Not at my age.
Why God is allowing my heart to continue to hurt, I don't understand, and I may never understand, but I thank God that he is allowing it. I thank God that although it may be painful now, he has a purpose for it. And walks by my side, holding my hand every step of the way.
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