Summer 2010

Finally summer time! I'm so excited. Sooo...here is what is going on with me this summer:
-June 6-10: Hanging out with friends before i'm out of town for a very long time, and helping Mrs. Libby with her very full house of 6 kids and VBS.
-June 11: Packing.
-June 12-19: Gulf Shores with the whole family!
-June 20: Church & rest.
-June 21: Packing.
-June 22-25: Myrtle Beach with CRBC Youth!
-June 26-July 3: Fort Lauderdale!
-July 4: Fireworks and a cookout i'm sure.
-July 5: Stone Mountain with Chris, Zachy, Tyler, Sarah, and Jordan!
-July 6: Six Flags with CRBC Youth!
-July 7: Packing.
-July 8: Leave for Birmingham.
-July 9-18: California.

WOW! Sooo...pretty much, I am going to be LONGING to sleep in my OWN bed after all this!! ): But i'm sure it will be fun and I will have a great time, hopefully. :/
We'll see. I'll keep ya up to date on how my trips are going.
Have a GREAT Summer! (:

Catch Up

Whoops. I have definately gotten behind on blogging. Oh well, here is  a quick overview:
-Prom!! Woo Hoo!! Lots of fun and had a great time.
-Finished my first semester of college!! What a relief.
-Graduated from Ooltewah High School!! FINALLY!!
  I will eleaborate on this topic in another blog.
-I kind of have a stalker so I changed my facebook to "engaged" and am now getting lots and lots of congratulations...which is a bit embarrassing. I guess I didn't think that plan though too well. Sorry folks, no wedding bells in the near future for me, but thanks for the support anyway.
-Now, I am resting up (HA, as if!) before my month and a half of non stop fun! (hopefully it's all fun :/ )
I'm pretty sure that gets us up to date. YAY!

Overwelming

I've had so much going on lately. So, in order for me to get back to studying shortly, I shall sum this up quickly and probably messily. So many people are getting engaged. It is crazy. It makes me feel so alone. I'm alright with being single and independent most of the time, but there are those moments where you just feel so sad and lonely, and those moments are rapidly increasing!! Ever since right before prom, i've been kind of depressed. I hope I can snap out of it soon. I've just been so sad. Don't get me wrong, I don't want a ring on my finger or anything, I just think it is very nice to have that person who loves you as much as you love them. Secondly, I have three finals tomorrow. Oh my goodness!! I'm done with chemistry, thank goodness, but i'm really worried about my stat, psyc, and comp finals tomorrow. I will officially be done with my lfirst semster of college tomorrow though!! It seems crazy!! Time flies. All day I have been trying to catch up on homework and such, but I still have so much left to do. Oh no! Also, as far as my summer vacations go, this oil spill is quite inconvenient!! We are supposed to go to Gulf Shores in one month and it is going to be very messy, but oh well. We considered going somewhere else, but I believe we have decided to continue out tradition to Gulf Shores! Yay! Graduation is in ten days, five hours, and thirty two minutes. I'm slightly panicing about that too. I still have several invitations to mail out!! Whoops!! Alright, I believe we are all caught up now.

Replaceable

I've been thinking a whole lots lately, and I must admit, I have be come very discouraged. Today, I came to the conclusion, that everyone (except the Lord) can be replaced. It's as simple as that. I thought I had a friendship that was strong enough to withstand someone else taking my place, but I believe it is happening. Slowly but surely. It's actually very upsetting, but I don't think there is anything I can do to change it. So I'm trying to go with the flow and keep a level head on my shoulders. I'm definately praying about this, but I know change is part of life, plain and simple, it happens, and there is nothing I nor anyone else can do to stop it. Therefore, if we are meant to be replaced, it will happen whether we like it or not. We muct hold out heads high and pretend it doesn't bother us in the least and handle it as gracefully as possible. Good luck!!

In order to be irreplaceable, one must always be different.
-Coco Chanel

Sad

It seems like so many things are going wrong, and I feel really alone. I try to do good things, but they always backfire, and I feel so trapped. I want to quit and give up.

Change

Jesus Christ never changes! He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. -Hebrews 13:8

(Thank goodness!!)

Oh my goodness. Everything is changing way too much, way too fast. Within in the past year, I've lots a guy I was crazy about, turned 18, now, almost 19, I graduated high school, started college, my cousin had brain surgery, my best friend passed away, I just found out one of my other best friends is engaged.SLOW DOWN for goodness sake! I'm kinda totally and completely losing it. I have school til 1, pay for boutineer, Mrs. Libby's to finish my dress, Gooney Golf tonight with youth, youth car wash in the morning, prom after that, and tests and finals and homework piling up. I'm just kinda freaking out. Pray.

And that is how change happens. One gesture, one person, one moment at a time.

Hectic Week

This week is going to be insanely busy.

Monday: I have classes, then home for some quick homework and finish up my essay. Followed by a little bit of tanning, weather permitting(it didnt..its turned COLD). The talent show is at 7. I'll be there to support Tucker, then leave at the intermission to make it to Cross Roads softball game at 8:30. Finally home after that for some more homework, then to sleep.

Tuesday: Chem lab(overslept and missed it), then to Hancock's to get the royal blue invisible zipper for my prom dress. I will then deliever that to Mrs. Libby and probably hang out with her for the majority of the day(nope, i hung out with cory most of the day).

Wednesday: School, school, and more school. Hobby Lobby for netter for my dress. Take that to Mrs Libby. Getting my nails done, then runnin by Ruth's to pay for Chris's boutineer, and back to Mrs Libby's for an hour or so before I have to hurry home and get ready for youth with Miss Sarah. I might make cookies if I have time.

Thursday: NO CLASS!(so much for that...b/c i missed class tues and had a free day, i have to go to my chem lab today) Yay! That is always a perk. But I will spent the majority of the day running around getting things ready for prom and with Mrs. Libby and maybe visiting my OHS friends. Although, I really don't want anything to do with stupid high schoolers right now (exclude my few true friends who are still there). Plus, I would like to stop by and hang out with Aunt Robin, Emma Kate, Wesley, and Seth if i have time.

Friday: Back to school. Lovely. Home to tan. Last actual day to lay out before prom. Then Gooney Golf with the youth group and CiCi's afterwards.

Saturday: Well, I kind of overbooked this day. I have a youth car wash from 10AM until 2PM. Then I will have a very short time to get home and take a shower and get ready for prom. YIKES! Then of course...PROM!

All of this on top of whatever homework and tests and quizzes me lovely teachers decide to hand out so graceously.

Essay

I really dislike writing essays. This is by far the most intersting and easier than any other I've been assigned, but at the same time, it is longer than any of the others. And of course, Valerie decided to wait until the very last possible moment to start. 1200 words. I was at 233 when I began around 11:30PM. It's now 2:36AM and I have 765. Progress = fail. I will finish. It may be more around 1000-1100, but at this point, I don't care too terribly much. I'm very sleepy, besides, I have a two hour break to work on it tomorrow in the library, but I may get distracted and can't finish. That would be bad. I think I will give myself until 3:10AM, then call it a night and finish tomorrow, hopefully. All I have left is the third body paragraph and the conclusion. I don't think there is even enough to say to make it 1000, but I'll give it a shot. It's about three defining characteristics that describe todays american society. I am the kind of person who gets in and gets out. I make my point quickly and am done, no fluff. But word limits bug me and make me add lots of stuff that really taints the essay. Alrighty, wish me luck!

Alright so...4:10AM (stayed up much later than I planned) and I'm at 1049 words and I still have to add a reference from my book. so YAY!! I will do that tomorrow though. Til then. Night night.

October 12

My birthday. I began thinking about this date, and realized...I turn TWENTY next year! Oh my goodness. I am very excited to grow up, but terrified at the same time. Thing are changing so much. I'm not too sure how I feel about it all. I guess I will just have to give it some time and see how it turns out.

Reality

This past month has been so hard. First, I found out my nine year old cousin has a major spinal curve, then about a week later, we find out she needs emergeny brain surgery within a week. The day after she comes home, Anthony calls me telling me my best friend has been in a car wreck. A week after that, I spend Easter Sunday in the hospital waiting, because we were told she wasn't going to make it though the day. That Friday, she did pass away. The following Sunday was her funeral. Finally, I thought I might have some down time, but no such luck. Three in the morning, Tuesday, I find out, my cousin has been rushed to the ER and then to Atlanta due to a fever, dry heaving, and severe pain. Come to find out she has a CSF (Cranial Spinal Fluid) leak. The next few days will determine whether she will need another surgery to repair it. Then some girls decide to give me a hard time for being friends with my ex. I got out of high school to get away from the drama. Needless to say, I have been a bit of a mess, and my grades have most definately suffered. I can't focus on anything. I'm so stressed out and confused. I would love to forget this past month and just move on, but I don't know how easy it will be to get past all this anytime soon. Time heals all wounds? Then someone please explain to me why I can't talk about my Grandma, who passed away five years ago, without breaking down. I can't think about my most recent break up, which took place about six months ago, without falling apart. I'm so confused and hurt.

Sounds like life to me.
It ain’t no fantasy.
It’s just a common case of everyday reality.
Man I know it’s tough but you gotta suck it up.
To hear you talk you’re caught up in some tragedy.
It sounds like life to me.

Care

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
nothing is going to get better. It's not.

What if we all truely cared.

Care inspires and gently reassures us. Lending us a feeling of security and support,it reinforces our connection with others. Not only is it one of the best things we can do for our health, but it feels good — whether we're giving or receiving it.

About each other? About the enviroment? About anything? It doesn't even matter what it is that we would all care about. Just think of what we could accomplish, if we all cared.

Too often we under estimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

Drama

I truely despise drama. It is completely unnecessary and just causes strife, stress, and hurt feelings. I have been privliaged to converse with some younger teenagers this week and been pulled into some drama myself. I quickly eliminated the source(facebook) and went on my way, glad to be rid of it.

You just have to live your life not caring
and shake off the drama
just to prove that you are better
than they think you are


I have unfortunately discovered, drama tends to be a result of a lack of comprehension or understanding. In my case, the dramatic party is ill informed and misunderstanding a situation I have in my life. They don't quite see the whole picture and only have a narrow perspective. As a result, I got jumped on and falsely accused. Therefore, I will do my best to contiue to be the bigger person. I know I haven't done anything out of line and have kept my composure with the accusing party. I refuse to "feed the fire." I hope this ends soon.

Only let us hold true to what we have attained.
Philippians 3:16

Candice Willmore - My Gorgeous Guardian Angel

I don't really feel like saying much right now, but my best friend, Candice was in a car wreck on Sunday, March 28, 2010. I woke up to nine missed calls, one text(saying "call me...now"), and a voicemail, all from Anthony. Immediately, I paniced and called him. He told me Candice had hydroplaned and wrecked on her way to church, due to the very heavy rain. As soon as church was over, I went to the hospital. I spent many days, and many hours down there that week. Her levels would fluxuate like crazy and there was no telling what would happen. She was placed in a medically induced coma to allow her brain to rest and heal. The impact caused her brain to hit her skull very hard, like shaken baby syndrome. On Easter Sunday, I got a text saying she wasn't doing well and the doctors didn't predict her to make it though the day. She did. Again, I spent many days and many hours at the hospital. I finally got the call I had been praying wouldn't come the evening of Friday, April 9, 2010. My beautiful friend had gone to dance with her Lord and Savior. Sunday, April 11, 2010 was her funeral. I can't even begin to find the words to explain how much I love and miss her, but I know I will see her again. I can't wait to lift my hands and spin around together again.
I love you Candice.

Fear

Fear is such a powerful thing. It can control and manipulate so easily.

in God I trust; I will not be afraid.

What can man do to me?
-Psalms 56:11


Autophobia--

I can honestly say, I have conquered my biggest fear. The fear of being alone. I used to be terrified of simply going to the store alone. Now, I enjoy time to myself. Don't get me wrong, there are many times I would like a friend or boyfriend or someone around, but for the majority of the time, I have become very independent. I am so proud of myself for this. It is a great accomplishment.

I want to crawl into my safe place

where I can't be hurt

where my heart won't break.
I want to run away
close myself off.
keeping my hands over my eyes
so I can't see you walking away.

Philophobia--
My new greatest fear. The fear of heartbreak. Heartbreak is such a sorrowful pain. It's the feeling of being abandoned or rejected by the one person you trust the most. The person you allow to hold your heart, which is most peoples most valued posession. Hearbreak is so much worse than even a loved one passing away. When a loved one passes away, they don't choose to leave, and they certainly never stop loving you. Where as, when you get your heart broken, it is a result of somone consciously deciding to leave you. How can you trust someone, anyone after that? The person you trust more than anyone hands you your most valued possion back to you in pieces. At some point, I believe we have to allow God to take control. Ask him to bring the right person into our life who will not hurt us. But if he does allow for our heart to be broken again, that there be a lesson, something learned, and that we come out on the other side as a better person.

So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
-Isaiah 41:10

You Are Here

In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight

-Proverbs 3:6

What a wonderful idea!! Kudos to whoever thought that one up. A nice little sticker, on a pretty little map to tell you exactly where you are, and show you exactly where to go from that point to reach your desired destination. Seaworld, Disney, Six Flags, and all the other greatest places on Earth have them. Why can't life have such an easy system? One big ultimate map. Valerie E. Carepenter: You are here. Cute little red dot, with a nice neat line, directing me on the correct path to reach the right career choice, apartment, guys, friends, or something as simple as a book I would enjoy. Life would be so much easier with a guide to follow. The ability to see "a bigger picture" would allow us to open our eyes and see so much more to life. It would keep us from going down the wrong paths, but that is not the way things happen. Adam and Eve ate the fruit from the Tree of Good and Evil, and life can no longer be so simplistic. Therefore, we make bad choices and we go down the wrong paths. I pray that I learn from the wrong paths I take, and I pray that I don't take more than I must in order to reach the final destination God has planned for me. Thank goodness, he holds my hand though ever wrong step I take, and not only though every wrong step, but every right step as well.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!
You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.
-Dr Seuss


Thank you Lord for always taking care of me and keeping me safe under you're loving, caring, and all mighty watch.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.
Psalm 32:8

Sleep

"How did you sleep?"

What an odd question. I've asked it a million times and been asked it a million and one. While I understand it's common courtesy to ask, I have no idea how I slept. I was sleeping?! I just wanted to clear that up.

Love

Love..oh boy! What a topic to talk about. Not sure if I want to do this, but here goes nothing..everything..something?

Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and
praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that they feel the same.


I believe that there is one person in every individial's life who defines love for them. Their first "love." The first person to give them butterflies. The first person who they simply want all the happiness in the world for. The first person they fall head over heels for. But this person who define love for us rarely stay. They leave us to move on and find another who will make our hearts flutter. At the age of nineteen, I believe I have found the first person to take my breath away when he kisses me, take my fear away when he hugs me, and take my heart when he leave me. Oh so many more to come, I am sure. (Please keep in mind, I do not forget I am eighteen, and am well aware that I have a lifetime left to live, and this is not the end of the world (although I won't deny that it feels that way occasionally). I try to remind myself of this often, because it is all too easy to
get caught up in the moment and feel like the sky is falling).
 
We are all a little weird
and life's a little weird,
and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours,
we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.
- Dr. Seuss


I've been told that you never truely get over the first person you love. I don't doubt it, but I believe that there is someone else, who will sweep you off your feet, and take the pain away. I am anxiously awaiting this moment. I feel pathetic still crying myself to sleep some night. It seems, most of my friends who have had break ups are all better and good to go in no time. This is by far, an art, and nothing less.
 
Guard your heart above all else, for it
determines the course of your life.
-Proverbs 4:23


God knows the desires of my heart. I pray for God to allow my heart to let go, if it be his will. Or, that my heart stay, if it be his will. But if my heart is to stay, that God take away the heartache. I don't know why God would allow my heart to stay with someone who I am not meant to be with, and I wouldn't think that he would. But God has a plan, a perfect plan, and if it be his will that my heart hurts a little bit longer, then I will not combat him. It's a constant, relentless battle for me. How to let go? Is something wrong with me? Has God sent me a sign and I missed it? Has God told me to let go and I just missed the memo?! (I read this back to myself, and laughed. I know it sounds silly, but it's true). I do not want to keep hurting. I do not want to keep missing him. It just isn't normal to still be hurting this long afterwards. Not at my age.
 
Why God is allowing my heart to continue to hurt, I don't understand, and I may never understand, but I thank God that he is allowing it. I thank God that although it may be painful now, he has a purpose for it. And walks by my side, holding my hand every step of the way.

Prom

Ooltewah High School Prom. April 24, 2010. Chattanooga Convention Center.

3/8/10 -

--The Date: Chris Metcalf.

--The Dress: I'm excited about prom this year! Mrs. Libby is once again making my dress and she always takes such care, I know it is going to be a beautiful dress. I've already picked out and purchased the pattern. We went fabric shopping this past weekend with no success. This week we will check out Hancock's IN STORE selection (because i do not want another fiasco like last year). If we can't find what we are looking for there, we'll venture to the fabric store in Sweetwater this weekend. The color is Royal Blue.

--The Hair: As of now, I'm thinking half up, half down. But I haven't decided whether I want curls.

--The Group: Well, there has been a bit of controvery over the group. Zachy wants us to go with his group (consists of: Zachy, Sarah, Emily, and Trevor), but Tyler wants Chris to go with his group (consists of: Tyler, Jordan, Cody, and Jennifer). Yea...I'm curious to know who's group Chris will pick.

3/9/10 -

--The Dress: Today, Mrs. Libby and I went on an adventure in search of material. After finding the material I liked at Hancock, we ventured to Wal Mart to find the overlay material to match (the sheer material over the satin). After no luck there, we went to Hobby Lobby where we found the satin material at a much lower price and overlay material. I'm a little worried that the overlay material wont fall right, but I'm hoping and praying for the best. Mrs. Libby is a very talented seamstress and I know she will do a wonderful job.

4/18/0 -

--The Dress: Mrs. Libby has been working lots and lots on it. It is looking gorgeous!! I love it! She is the best!! I don't know what I would do without her!!

--The Accesories: I have my jewelry and clutch and shoes. I'm pretty much set to go. I can't believe it is only one week away. I'm pretty nervous. I hope it goes well.

--The group: According to Zachy, we are going with him, but Chris hasn't actually told me that.

4/23/10 -

--The Dress: It will be done today. (Yes, the day before from is when my dress will be finished, but i love it!!) Mrs. Libby has done a fabulous job...again!

--The group: No idea what is going on. As far as I know, pictures at 5 in the art district, and dinner at 6.

--The weather: Stormy. Great!!

--Preparation: Already got my nails done Wednesday. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I don't do fake. No tanning beds (fake bakes), don't dye my hair, and now i have acrilic nails, which goes against that. Oh well. They are pretty and will hopefully get me though Prom, Class Night, and Graduation. I'm sooooo excited for the carwash in the morning!! But again...stormy. Which will not be so wonderful. Oh well. It ends at 2, so I'm at bit worried how well I will be able to get ready and be downtown in three hours.

4/24/10 -

Today is the day!!

4/25/10 -

It went really well. I had lots of fun. The dress was gorgeous. Handsome date. Great friends. There were a few setbacks in the planning (and a guy at the restraunt who still needs a good kick in the you know what for being a jerk to the poor man with one leg), but it all worked out. I guess that's the end of my senior prom. (:

Spring Break

This entry will consist of a Pre and Post section about my week.

Pre: 3/8/10 - Before my first college Spring Break truely begins, I would like to write about my feelings/anticipation. To begin with, I just found out I made an "A" on my statistics test!! But it doesn't quite make up for how I'm feeling. Last Wednesday, I got a very icky 24 hour bug, which I tried to overcome and prevail by continuing on with my day, but when i had to run to the bathroom in the middle of my first class, I quickly came to my senses, realizing, that it was not possible for me to remain at school. After that lovely little bug passed, I got a few secondary illnesses, which I still have. I currently have a sinus infection, laryngitis, ear infection, and my wisdon teeth are hurting. So, my week is not looking so bright yet, but hopefully, I can kick this and have a semi-normal Spring Break. My plans are to hopefully hang out with Aunt Robin on Monday. On Tuesday, Hamilton County Schools are closed to allow the Juniors to take the ACT, so I will probably hang out with someone from high school on that day. It is also Miss Katie's Birthday!! (Happy Birthday!! Love you!). On Wednesday, Chris, Katie, and Carlos will come to make cupcakes for youth for Katie's Birthday! On Thursday and Friday, I'm not sure what I will have planned, but I know Mrs. Libby and I will be going to Hancock's to look for material for my prom dress (if we can't find any here, we will be spending Saturday in Sweetwater shopping at the fabric store there). I would also like to get together with Cara for lunch one day. All this is pending on how well I feel though. Therefore, I am praying for a speedy recovery and a fun, relaxing, yet productive Spring Break.

Post: Whoops!! I'm a little late. Well..My week pretty much consisted of getting over being sick, which most definately over stayed it's welcome. I pretty much did everything from the "Pre" section. It was an alright Spring Break. Would've been much better if I hadn't been sick though. Oh well. I have 3 more to come in my college career.

College

I refer to this semester as "high school without the dress code and drama." I continue to debate whether my decision to graduate early was such a good idea. I am most certainly more quiet than ever. I can go an entire day saying only five words (which are usually spoken to Katie on my way to Comp 1). I feel so small in this big new world of "adults". I don't know many people, but that's alright. It gives me lots of time to think. I do miss aspects of high school though. Walking into a class and automatically having a best friend to sit with is something I will no longer take for granted. I also miss being protected. As silly as it sounds, in high school, I knew I always had someone to go to if I ever felt unsafe. Whether it be my guy-friends or a teacher, someone would always be there if need be. In college, that is not the case. Therefore, I am on my own. I wake up, drive, study, walk to class, all by myself most days. It's very different from anything I'm used to. This isn't quite how I pictured college being, but I do like it. It is a life experience. I never know exactly what new surprises it has in store for me, which keeps it interesting and a bit of the adventurous aspect in it.