To Forgive or To Resent, That is the Question

I always considered myself a forgiving person. I give people chance after chance after chance. That is forgiveness, right? Or so I thought. Allowing someone to repeat their mistakes isn't forgiveness, because after I have given them this chance, they let me down again. And after they let me down, I wonder why I was so gullible as to trust that they care enough to choose something different. I never forgave them. I gave them the chance to make it right so I didn't have to forgive them, because forgiveness is hard!

Forgiveness means I have to accept I'm hurt and allow it to be. I get so caught up in trying to make it right, I never give the chance to just accept things the way they are. If you always battle with the mistake, try to justify or change it, you will always resent it. Without accepting it, you cannot forgive it. And boy, do I have a hard time accepting!

I find myself harboring this resentment to the point that it spills over into every part of my life. I hear about someone getting married, and I just cling to my own hurt and resentment that someone else has what I've so desperately wanted. I pile hurt upon hurt, but this time, I am hurting myself, by holding on to how someone wronged me, I am keeping myself from healing.

I recently discovered battling resentment is part of AA and NA. Here is an exert I found:

Dear God, I have a resentment towards a person that I want to be free of. So, I am asking you to give this person everything I want for myself. Help me to feel compassionate understanding and love for this person. I pray that they will receive everything they need. Thank you God for your help and strength with this resentment.  (BB, Freedom from Bondage:  552)

These instructions are for the above prayer (Big Book, Freedom from Bondage, p. 552):

'If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free...Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love.'   

Oh my goodness. I'm supposed to pray for the people who have hurt me to get all the things I have desired for myself. Are you kidding me?! But, I can say, hiding this hurt, this resentment, has only made me a very sad and ugly person on the inside. I've always balked the saying that forgiveness isn't for them, it's for you. How is it for me? But, I know, holding on to this will only cause me to suffer more. Maybe forgiving them really isn't about them. Maybe I do deserve the freedom of forgiveness, not forgiveness placed on me, but my forgiveness given to others. Maybe that is how I get back to joy, joy for others, and joy for myself. 

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 

1 Peter 5:7

Chain of Pain

Chain of pain - it sounds like some movie that I do not want to watch. Unfortunately, it is also a life I do not want to live. I've been very reflective lately and realized that pain is often inflicted by someone who is already suffering. Pain is a consequence of being hurt, and no one wants to be alone in their pain. We pass this pain along because we have no idea how to cope with it. So, we develop the unhealthy habit of inflicting it on others, creating this path of destruction and grief for ourselves and those around us. I don't think it is a coincidence that I happened to look back on my last blog post almost exactly 3 years and later. I clearly was in pain, agonizing over the continuous heartbreak I was feeling. A heartache I had been feeling for years, and continued to feel for quite some time after that post. I took that pain inflicted on me for years and years by my ex and inflicted it on my next boyfriend. I continued the chain of pain. And the chain had begun long before me, my ex's previous fiancé had hurt him deeply. How cruel to feel so hurt that we pass it along to people we supposedly care for. It's not intentional, but we hurt other, because we are hurt. So, how do we stop from adding links to this chain? Heal. Don't you love those simple answers that make it sound so easy, when truly, it takes every ounce of effort and strength you can muster. I spent hours in counseling, changed antidepressants..several times, surrounded myself with good people, and sometimes sat alone with my own broken pieces. I had to come to terms with the fact that my broken pieces were shards of glass that would only leave me with bloody fingers if I tried to fit them back together by myself. I learned I could take those shards and make a brand new beautiful mosaic; however, they would never hold the same shape as they once had. It's not that this is a bad thing, but it was very difficult for me to understand why I couldn't put the pieces back together. I was willing to have bloody fingers, but the truth is, I had already cut myself on those pieces time and time and time again. They always had the potential to make a new beautiful piece of art, but I had to let go of the reconstruction and reconfigure the design. I think we want to cover up the pain before we are healed. We want to be all better, ready to move on, and we might be convinced we are, but if I've learned anything, some things take time. Healing, takes time. Maybe you are healing from disappointment in your job, the loss of a loved one, whether it be death or rejection, pain from your childhood or unfulfilled expectations. All of these things are valid pain, but none of these validate passing the pain along. We try so hard not to feel pain that we don't allow ourselves to heal. We're so busy finding the next thing to cover the hurt. The next relationship, the next thrill, the next achievement is not a fix, it's a patch. Allow yourself to feel grief, to feel loss or disappointment. Give yourself permission to take the time to heal. I believe this is the only way to keep from adding link after link to this all too long chain.