A Fog

I feel like I'm in a fog. It's an awful feeling, truly. I am worried. I am always worried. I am a worrier. I need to hand my worries to God. Actually, I have. Then, a few hours later, I take them back, as if I don't trust God to handle them. But I know better than that. I know he can, if I allow him to. I suppose I ought to explain myself. Well, here it goes. Seth has a super big dose of chemo tomorrow, which breaks my heart, because I know after these doses he isn't himself for almost a whole week. He also gets a spinal tap, and just thinking about it makes me hurt for him. I also have just gotten a new job. I now have to turn in my two weeks notice to my current employer. As excited as I am for a change, I could not have been more blessed to work with such wonderful girls for my first job. That being said, leaving them will be very hard for me. In addition to this, but before I tell you, I am fully aware of how pathetic I am about to sound, I saw Chris's car in a parking lot while driving home yesterday, and boy did I just lose it. Allow me to assure you, the waterworks were a sight to be seen. I think about him everyday, but nothing compared to how much I did in the past. And I can almost block things out now. But seeing his car, reminded me he is real, and I can't always block him out. It's not like he just disappeared. I proceeded to call my aunt whole "boo-hooing" and her advice was to text him and tell him I miss him. HA! I honestly don't think he would even respond to that. Of course I miss him, but we haven't talked since we moved back from Knoxville. I don't feel like that would go over well. I don't think he wants to hear from me at all, much less to hear that. Oh heavens, why must life be so doggone complicated. We'll talk. Eventually. I would like to think that eventually he will come to me, but if I wait for that, I might be waiting forever. I think we are where we need to be for now, and we'll just have to wait and see what happens in the future. And you all know how impatient of a person I am, so that is very big of me to say that, if I do say so myself. I also have decided to get an iPhone, Macbook, and a new-to-me car. Haha. This is a large contributing factor as to why I was looking into new jobs. My car with no air conditioning in 108 degree weather, and phone that likes to randomly shut off, and computer that is about to go kaput, just isn't cutting it. However, it is stressful to buy expensive things. But that sure are nice once you have them. I will also be starting back at school in late August. I have sighed up for A&P along with Microbiology. My schedule begins at 8am. I will be hating life here soon, but there is a part of me that is rather anxious to start school again. I like staying busy, it helps me stay focused and provides me with very little time to be sad. But for now, I do feel as if I am walking in a fog. A very lonely fog. I really don't talk to anyone outside my family anymore. I just hope and pray that God will work in my life throughout the next several months and bring me peace and happiness.