Look Who's Back

It's been a long time since I blogged, but I tend to find my way back here when I'm hurting the most. To fill you in on he past 3 years...growing up sucks, responsibility sucks, love sucks. In other words, same ole same ole. No, I'm now a teacher and absolutely love it; however, I'm pretty sure, other than my career status, most everything has remained the same. I mean, I got a tattoo, nose pierced, rose gold hair, but same town, same house, same TV show (Grey's Anatomy, if it matters), and most significantly, same guy. Almost 6 years now...and it's been a roller coaster. I've been cheated on multiple times, disappointed, left, heartbroken, shattered, rinse and repeat. I've come to the conclusion, I am codependent. I put his happiness, his success and his problems before my own. And it scares the hell out of me to move on... The 'what if's' are my biggest enemy. What if he wants me back after I leave? What if I never find someone else? What if no one ever wants me again? What if he is the one? What if we're meant to be, and I'm just giving up? But I'm not...I'm not just giving up. I've fought for this friendship/relationship for years. Five and a half years to be exact. I have a friend who tells me, eventually, I will have had enough. But when?! When is enough? I think that gauge may be broken for me. I've recently found myself back in church, and much more inclined to believe that God will, in fact, provide. I should just stop there. That's a good place to stop, right? But oh no, my brain can go like this all day long. I should just walk away, right? Lean on Jesus. Have Faith. But the truth is, I'm scared to death to think of what my life will look like without him. Yes, we've stopped talking before, several months at a time even, but genuinely, gone. Poof! I beat myself up, because it's not like this is a divorce. That's a real problem. People have real problems, like disease, poverty, mental illness, and death. This isn't a real problem. But it's my problem. It's the biggest heartache I've ever faced, aside from losing my Grandma. But when I lost her, there was no walking away. She didn't leave me. I didn't leave her. She was taken. I had no control, no going back. This is a choice. I choose 'D', none of the above. No leaving, no heartache. Just love. I guess if it's meant to be, it'll be . And in the meantime, let go and let God.