Letting Go
And one day, one moment, it hits. You just know. It's time to walk away. When you've stood there so long and it does nothing but hurt, it's time to let go. You're doing nothing but killing yourself. Waiting for changes that will never come. Or, maybe they will. But why wait in misery? Why wait at all for someone who won't wait on you? And then, slowly, and very painfully, you let go. You move on. You tell yourself it will be ok, even though you don't know how it could ever be ok. It doesn't feel like it now, but just think about how amazing it will feel down the road when you can look back and say, "It hurt like hell then, but just look at me now. Look how far I've come."
Me, Myself, and I
I'm fine all by myself. I'm a strong independent girl who doesn't need to depend on anyone else. I'm intelligent. I'm pretty. I truly care about people. I'm loving. I have so much to give. And I feel like he just sees right through me, like I'm just another face in the crowd. How can he be fine with this so easily, when it's breaking my heart? I just don't understand. Doesn't he care? I'm done trying to be friends. He can come to me if and when he ever wants me around. It hurts too much to always feel like I'm the one making the effort. I feel so taken for granted.
Now, I just wish I could actually convince myself of all this.
Now, I just wish I could actually convince myself of all this.
Rollercoasters
The crazy rollercoaster of emotions I have amazes me. One minute, I'm wanting nothing more than to be held close and comforted. For you to tell me everything is going to be ok. And the next, I don't even want to try being friends anymore. It hurts either way. I can't imagine my life without you, and it hurts to see you accept this so easily. I told you when you walked through that door, everything would change. I was right. Every once in a while, you look at me and smile, but for the most part, I feel so invisible to you. Just another friend. How do you do that? I'm so jealous! I would give anything to not look at you and remember everything about us. Sometime it makes me so angry that you left, I want nothing more to do with you. I want to hate you. I want to say you never cared, but I know you did. You have a hard time showing it, but I know you do. I feel like I will never meet anyone else as amazing as you. I've never trusted anyone like I was able to to trust you. I've never had someone accept me exactly as I am, like you did. I've never been able to open up and feel so comfortable and safe with anyone, like I was able to with you. I just want this to be over. I'm tired of hurting. It takes every ounce of engery to smile and act like nothing is wrong when I'm with you. It's exausting. But then, I have those moments of glorious relief when I get this amazing sense of peace, and remember, God is working in my life at this very moment. He has a plan, and his plan is perfect. No matter how much this may hurt now, it will end. And in the end, I will be stonger. God has someone out there, I believe that. Whether it is Chris or not, he has someone. Someone who will love me for who I am, and who I can trust entirely. He will be someone who will never leave me and will be my best friend. I don't know about you, but for me, that is so exciting!
Hanging in There
This isn't a very well constructed post. I'm not even going to bother proofreading it. I'm just too tired:
Well, I'm here. It's been about three weeks now, and I've laid in bed almost every night wondering what in the world I've gotten myself into. In a nutshell, I don't have a roommate, which is the most lonely thing in the world. Natalie is busy a lot, so I haven't seen her much lately. Chris and I got back together, for a week. It didn't work out, so we broke back up. So I'm back at square one feeling completely broken again, but we're friends. Being friends with the person I'm crazy about is not easy. It takes every ounce of energy to put a smile on when I see him and pretend like my heart isn't shattered into a million pieces. I see him almost everyday, but I don't think he has a clue how much I miss him. I really wish all this wasn't happening. It's really stressful and confusing. As if I'm not enough of an emotional person, right? As for classes, they are going well. My public speaking teacher told me after my first speech, I cross my eyes when I get nervous. So now I'm even more nervous. I have biology with Tyler. It's nice to know at least one person in one of my classes. Spanish is killing me. It has by far the largest work load, but even that is doable. What kills me is that she expects me to participate in class! I don't do well participating in English, much less Spanish! Math is easy. And that leaves Philosophy. Discussing Plato's thoughts on life at 9am, is just not working for me. But once I wake up a bit, it really isn't too bad. The first football game is in 1 day and 19 hours!! I'm so excited for that! Plus, Boomsday is Sunday! And the family is coming up! Then Monday is Labor Day, no school! Yay! Other than all that, I've been super sick almost continuously since I got here. Well, actually, I guess since I started the Metformin, but it's gotten worse this week. Sometimes, I just want to go home. I really miss home. I miss my family, and my car, and my friends, and my work, and my bed, and my own private bathroom, and my normal size fridge, and a microwave that cooks the whole bacg of popcorn, and not just burn half of it. I miss my TV, I miss my filtered water, I miss darkness and quiet when I sleep. I miss being able to cook and bake. I just miss home. However, for now, this is where I am. This is where I'm staying, and I have to make the best of it. God has placed me here for a reason and I'll have faith that he will get me though this, one day at a time.
Well, I'm here. It's been about three weeks now, and I've laid in bed almost every night wondering what in the world I've gotten myself into. In a nutshell, I don't have a roommate, which is the most lonely thing in the world. Natalie is busy a lot, so I haven't seen her much lately. Chris and I got back together, for a week. It didn't work out, so we broke back up. So I'm back at square one feeling completely broken again, but we're friends. Being friends with the person I'm crazy about is not easy. It takes every ounce of energy to put a smile on when I see him and pretend like my heart isn't shattered into a million pieces. I see him almost everyday, but I don't think he has a clue how much I miss him. I really wish all this wasn't happening. It's really stressful and confusing. As if I'm not enough of an emotional person, right? As for classes, they are going well. My public speaking teacher told me after my first speech, I cross my eyes when I get nervous. So now I'm even more nervous. I have biology with Tyler. It's nice to know at least one person in one of my classes. Spanish is killing me. It has by far the largest work load, but even that is doable. What kills me is that she expects me to participate in class! I don't do well participating in English, much less Spanish! Math is easy. And that leaves Philosophy. Discussing Plato's thoughts on life at 9am, is just not working for me. But once I wake up a bit, it really isn't too bad. The first football game is in 1 day and 19 hours!! I'm so excited for that! Plus, Boomsday is Sunday! And the family is coming up! Then Monday is Labor Day, no school! Yay! Other than all that, I've been super sick almost continuously since I got here. Well, actually, I guess since I started the Metformin, but it's gotten worse this week. Sometimes, I just want to go home. I really miss home. I miss my family, and my car, and my friends, and my work, and my bed, and my own private bathroom, and my normal size fridge, and a microwave that cooks the whole bacg of popcorn, and not just burn half of it. I miss my TV, I miss my filtered water, I miss darkness and quiet when I sleep. I miss being able to cook and bake. I just miss home. However, for now, this is where I am. This is where I'm staying, and I have to make the best of it. God has placed me here for a reason and I'll have faith that he will get me though this, one day at a time.
Curve Balls
Well, life has thrown a couple curve balls my way lately:
1. Chris and I broke up. Probably the hardest thing I have dealt with in years, because I'm pretty much crazy about the kid. I’m more torn up about this even more than any or all of the things listed below, combined.
2. I've been diagnosed with PCOD, Polycystic Ovarian Disease. PCOD just happens to be the leading cause of infertility.
3. I've been diagnosed with Insulin Resistance, which is apparently Pre Diabetes. This means, my Pancreas is making tons and tons of Insulin. However, my body won't use it or even acknowledge it. My blood sugar is completely fine, but my Insulin levels are through the roof. This is why I've gained so much weight the past few months. I've been put on a Type 2 Diabetes medicine called Metformin, which makes my body use the Insulin. It's working. I've lost 7 pounds in the 7 days I've been on it. The downside is, it makes me super sick. I feel icky every time I eat, and a lot of the time, I don't even have an appetite to eat. My dosage will continue to increase over the next few weeks, but will level out at 1500 mg. I'm praying my body will then adjust to the medicine, because I hate feeling so sick all the time.
4. The doctor called me in today to talk. I've never had a doctor call me in to talk. Well, she had a pretty good and upsetting reason. She knew something didn't seem right with my Uterus, so she sent me to have an ultra sound done. The results were in. According to the Ultra Sound Tech, I have Hyperplasia Endometrium, otherwise known as Pre-Cancer of the Uterus. I now have to squeeze in yet another surgery prior to my moving to Knoxville to determine whether this is the case or not. The doctor seemed to think I was way too young to have this, but she felt the Ultra Sound Tech was adamant enough that it needed to be further investigated.
On top of all this, I am dealing with the emotional goodbyes to my amazing Charming Charlie co-workers and my family and friends, as I prepare to move 100 miles away to the University of Tennessee at Knoxville.
1. Chris and I broke up. Probably the hardest thing I have dealt with in years, because I'm pretty much crazy about the kid. I’m more torn up about this even more than any or all of the things listed below, combined.
2. I've been diagnosed with PCOD, Polycystic Ovarian Disease. PCOD just happens to be the leading cause of infertility.
3. I've been diagnosed with Insulin Resistance, which is apparently Pre Diabetes. This means, my Pancreas is making tons and tons of Insulin. However, my body won't use it or even acknowledge it. My blood sugar is completely fine, but my Insulin levels are through the roof. This is why I've gained so much weight the past few months. I've been put on a Type 2 Diabetes medicine called Metformin, which makes my body use the Insulin. It's working. I've lost 7 pounds in the 7 days I've been on it. The downside is, it makes me super sick. I feel icky every time I eat, and a lot of the time, I don't even have an appetite to eat. My dosage will continue to increase over the next few weeks, but will level out at 1500 mg. I'm praying my body will then adjust to the medicine, because I hate feeling so sick all the time.
4. The doctor called me in today to talk. I've never had a doctor call me in to talk. Well, she had a pretty good and upsetting reason. She knew something didn't seem right with my Uterus, so she sent me to have an ultra sound done. The results were in. According to the Ultra Sound Tech, I have Hyperplasia Endometrium, otherwise known as Pre-Cancer of the Uterus. I now have to squeeze in yet another surgery prior to my moving to Knoxville to determine whether this is the case or not. The doctor seemed to think I was way too young to have this, but she felt the Ultra Sound Tech was adamant enough that it needed to be further investigated.
On top of all this, I am dealing with the emotional goodbyes to my amazing Charming Charlie co-workers and my family and friends, as I prepare to move 100 miles away to the University of Tennessee at Knoxville.
Growing Up
AH! This growing up business is really kind of scary! One minute, we're all in elementary school coloring and learning our ABC's, and next thing you know we've graduated high school, moved off, getting married, and having babies. Anyone who knows me at all, knows I'm not a fan of change, and these are quite monumental changes!! However, as scary as it is, it's also really exciting! Heck, and I thought everyone getting their driver's license and a job was very "adult-ish" of us. Honestly, I've recently become mortally afraid of getting old. I know this sounds terrible, but truly, I am honest to goodness terrified of even hitting 30. (NO, I am not saying 30 is old! I'm saying it's a stepping stone to 80!) I've got a ways to go, I have a few more months til 20, which I'm also struggling with. Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come.
-The Wonder Years
It's all just hitting me that this is it...no more being babied, no excuses. Maybe I'm afraid of failing? Or just not knowing where I'm going in life. I've been working on student loans lately, and they add up fast! I have all these "what ifs" floating around in my head: what if I cant get into the nursing program, what if I'm not smart enough, what if I can't get a good paying job after college, what if I can't pay back my loans, what if my car falls apart and I don't have the money for a new one, what if I don't have the money for an apartment and have to move back home. The future seems to uncertain. I am too much of a control freak, I need to have faith and hand it over to God and trust him. I know he will take care of me. I wish I could let go and embrace the ride, enjoy my youth, and take advantage of the many exciting opportunities I have laid out before me. Yep, that sounds like a much better plan.
Too many people grow up. That's the real trouble with the world, too many people grow up. They forget. They don't remember what it's like to be 12 years old. They patronize, they treat children as inferiors. Well I won't do that.
-Walt Disney
Moving
5/3/11:
And so begins the preparartions to move into a dorm at UT! I've already made a large dent in my shopping list, and expanded my "college corner" to about a fourth of my room! I have everything from my beadspread to band-aids, with much more to go. Every paycheck, I put some into savings, and whats left, I coax Mum into going college shopping with me!! We spent hours at Target last week, with much success!!
7/17/11:
AHH!! I move is less than one month!! I still haven't been assigned a building, room, or roommate!! Which is making me really antsy! I've gotten almost everything though. I've had MANY shopping trips like the one in the previous entry. My "college corner" continues to grow and grow. I made a crazy long, catagorized, color coded list of what I need, what I have, what I want, lol. It's massive. I'm getting so excited!
8/2/11:
11 days until I move in. I've been assigned to South Carrick 513 with Katie Peck. She seems super sweet!! But, for those who don't know, South Carrick 513 is a study room. UTK decided to over contract by about 100. This means that they have converted many study rooms to temporary dorm rooms. No closet, no in-room bathroom, no luxuries like that. So we will have a key to our own private bathroom, which is down the hall, and will just have to make do without a closet. However, this room is only temporary. After the two week freeze housing puts on all housing changes at the beginning of school, they will then see who is a no show, and I will be split up from my current roommate and we will be placed into normal dorm rooms. Sigh. On the flip side, I have almost every single thing on my mega list. Haha. I only lack a very few simple school supplies and such.
8/12/11:
I move tomorrow!!!! I'm so excited and kinda scared. I was changed to Humes 619. So now I have a permanent room and won't have to move again!! Yay! But I'm sad I won't be rooming with Katie. She was so nice!! I've only contacted one of the other three girls in our suit. It's 4AM and mum and I just finished packing. There are still a few odds and ends she will have to finish up tomorrow. Because of my surgery today, we had to finish everything tonight. I'm really nervous about being able to move everything. I think I may have to leave a lot of the lifting and carrying to the guys, and focus on unpacking and organizing since I will still be recovering. It is still so surreal! I can't wait!!
And so begins the preparartions to move into a dorm at UT! I've already made a large dent in my shopping list, and expanded my "college corner" to about a fourth of my room! I have everything from my beadspread to band-aids, with much more to go. Every paycheck, I put some into savings, and whats left, I coax Mum into going college shopping with me!! We spent hours at Target last week, with much success!!
7/17/11:
AHH!! I move is less than one month!! I still haven't been assigned a building, room, or roommate!! Which is making me really antsy! I've gotten almost everything though. I've had MANY shopping trips like the one in the previous entry. My "college corner" continues to grow and grow. I made a crazy long, catagorized, color coded list of what I need, what I have, what I want, lol. It's massive. I'm getting so excited!
8/2/11:
11 days until I move in. I've been assigned to South Carrick 513 with Katie Peck. She seems super sweet!! But, for those who don't know, South Carrick 513 is a study room. UTK decided to over contract by about 100. This means that they have converted many study rooms to temporary dorm rooms. No closet, no in-room bathroom, no luxuries like that. So we will have a key to our own private bathroom, which is down the hall, and will just have to make do without a closet. However, this room is only temporary. After the two week freeze housing puts on all housing changes at the beginning of school, they will then see who is a no show, and I will be split up from my current roommate and we will be placed into normal dorm rooms. Sigh. On the flip side, I have almost every single thing on my mega list. Haha. I only lack a very few simple school supplies and such.
8/12/11:
I move tomorrow!!!! I'm so excited and kinda scared. I was changed to Humes 619. So now I have a permanent room and won't have to move again!! Yay! But I'm sad I won't be rooming with Katie. She was so nice!! I've only contacted one of the other three girls in our suit. It's 4AM and mum and I just finished packing. There are still a few odds and ends she will have to finish up tomorrow. Because of my surgery today, we had to finish everything tonight. I'm really nervous about being able to move everything. I think I may have to leave a lot of the lifting and carrying to the guys, and focus on unpacking and organizing since I will still be recovering. It is still so surreal! I can't wait!!
Goodbye Chattanooga State
I should be studying for my math exam I'm about to take, however, I haven't blogged in ages, and this was where I did most of my blogging a year ago. While I'm so excited to go to UT, I'm actually kind of sad to leave Chatt State. I know where everything is here, and I'm comfortable. The thought of going to a huge new campus is pretty scary. This past semester has been the best yet. Lunch with Zachy every Tuesday and Thursday is the best!! I guess I'm on to bigger and better things, but change is always difficult for me. I'll definitely miss it here.
UT Orientation
Still hasn't hit me that I'm about to move 100 miles away in just 3 short months. Mum and I made the trek to Knoxville, stayed at the Holiday Inn-World's Fair. She was so excited that the World's Fair ball just right outside our window. We spent the evening with Christopher. He showed us around campus (my 2nd time that week, because I had visited him earlier that week, and I was still completely lost!). We watched Sex in the City, which I found pretty funny, because that is definitely not one of our Mother/Daughter kinda movies. It was an early morning, but went fairly smoothly. I got my "VolCard" (student ID), which is an absolutely awful picture. I look pretty demonic with my red eye. Then began the endless hours of lectures on financial aid, enrollment, classes, campus life, etc... Finally, we had our group advising, which was quite overwhelming. She wanted me to take Biology and Microbiology in the same semester. No thank you! I ended up with 16 hours. And a pretty do-able course load. We ended our trip with dinner in the UC with Chris. Then headed home. I slept most of the way, and left the radio on country music. Mum said it played non-stop songs about leaving home, and growing up. That's country music for ya. Overall, pretty successful orientation.
Here We Go Again
Wow. It feels so good to be blogging again. I've really missed it. So much has happened since June 2010.
- Christopher Michael Metcalf is my handsome boyfriend of six months (Feb 10). He's pretty much wonderful. You may recall him from my "Prom" entry. And if I could pick, I think this is the one. I've never known such an amazing guy as this. And I am so blessed to have him in my life.
- They found cancer in Pappaw's kidney. He had surgery Monday, January 31st, and will hopfully be out by Thursday, the only took a small portion of the kidney, so hopefully he is good to go now.
- I've made it into my 3rd semester at Chattanooga State. Hopefully transfering to UTK(prefered) or UTC in the fall.
- I turned nineteen. I'm having very mixed emotions about this being my last year as a teenager.
- I surprised the family with addition to the family this summer, a black lab, Molly.
- I got a job in September. I am a "Charmer" at Charming Charlie, a cute jewelry boutique.
- And probably the biggest news lately, my 3 year old cousin, Seth, was diagnosed with Leukemia (Jan 23). I'm still not sure how to process it. It seems so unreal. Similar to when Candice passed away. I never, in a million years, would imagine this happening to my precious Sethbear! He has been such a trooper though. He deserves his own post soon, to explain a little more. But prayers in this matter are greatly appreciated.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)