Fear

Fear is such a powerful thing. It can control and manipulate so easily.

in God I trust; I will not be afraid.

What can man do to me?
-Psalms 56:11


Autophobia--

I can honestly say, I have conquered my biggest fear. The fear of being alone. I used to be terrified of simply going to the store alone. Now, I enjoy time to myself. Don't get me wrong, there are many times I would like a friend or boyfriend or someone around, but for the majority of the time, I have become very independent. I am so proud of myself for this. It is a great accomplishment.

I want to crawl into my safe place

where I can't be hurt

where my heart won't break.
I want to run away
close myself off.
keeping my hands over my eyes
so I can't see you walking away.

Philophobia--
My new greatest fear. The fear of heartbreak. Heartbreak is such a sorrowful pain. It's the feeling of being abandoned or rejected by the one person you trust the most. The person you allow to hold your heart, which is most peoples most valued posession. Hearbreak is so much worse than even a loved one passing away. When a loved one passes away, they don't choose to leave, and they certainly never stop loving you. Where as, when you get your heart broken, it is a result of somone consciously deciding to leave you. How can you trust someone, anyone after that? The person you trust more than anyone hands you your most valued possion back to you in pieces. At some point, I believe we have to allow God to take control. Ask him to bring the right person into our life who will not hurt us. But if he does allow for our heart to be broken again, that there be a lesson, something learned, and that we come out on the other side as a better person.

So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
-Isaiah 41:10

You Are Here

In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight

-Proverbs 3:6

What a wonderful idea!! Kudos to whoever thought that one up. A nice little sticker, on a pretty little map to tell you exactly where you are, and show you exactly where to go from that point to reach your desired destination. Seaworld, Disney, Six Flags, and all the other greatest places on Earth have them. Why can't life have such an easy system? One big ultimate map. Valerie E. Carepenter: You are here. Cute little red dot, with a nice neat line, directing me on the correct path to reach the right career choice, apartment, guys, friends, or something as simple as a book I would enjoy. Life would be so much easier with a guide to follow. The ability to see "a bigger picture" would allow us to open our eyes and see so much more to life. It would keep us from going down the wrong paths, but that is not the way things happen. Adam and Eve ate the fruit from the Tree of Good and Evil, and life can no longer be so simplistic. Therefore, we make bad choices and we go down the wrong paths. I pray that I learn from the wrong paths I take, and I pray that I don't take more than I must in order to reach the final destination God has planned for me. Thank goodness, he holds my hand though ever wrong step I take, and not only though every wrong step, but every right step as well.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!
You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.
-Dr Seuss


Thank you Lord for always taking care of me and keeping me safe under you're loving, caring, and all mighty watch.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.
Psalm 32:8

Sleep

"How did you sleep?"

What an odd question. I've asked it a million times and been asked it a million and one. While I understand it's common courtesy to ask, I have no idea how I slept. I was sleeping?! I just wanted to clear that up.

Love

Love..oh boy! What a topic to talk about. Not sure if I want to do this, but here goes nothing..everything..something?

Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and
praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that they feel the same.


I believe that there is one person in every individial's life who defines love for them. Their first "love." The first person to give them butterflies. The first person who they simply want all the happiness in the world for. The first person they fall head over heels for. But this person who define love for us rarely stay. They leave us to move on and find another who will make our hearts flutter. At the age of nineteen, I believe I have found the first person to take my breath away when he kisses me, take my fear away when he hugs me, and take my heart when he leave me. Oh so many more to come, I am sure. (Please keep in mind, I do not forget I am eighteen, and am well aware that I have a lifetime left to live, and this is not the end of the world (although I won't deny that it feels that way occasionally). I try to remind myself of this often, because it is all too easy to
get caught up in the moment and feel like the sky is falling).
 
We are all a little weird
and life's a little weird,
and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours,
we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.
- Dr. Seuss


I've been told that you never truely get over the first person you love. I don't doubt it, but I believe that there is someone else, who will sweep you off your feet, and take the pain away. I am anxiously awaiting this moment. I feel pathetic still crying myself to sleep some night. It seems, most of my friends who have had break ups are all better and good to go in no time. This is by far, an art, and nothing less.
 
Guard your heart above all else, for it
determines the course of your life.
-Proverbs 4:23


God knows the desires of my heart. I pray for God to allow my heart to let go, if it be his will. Or, that my heart stay, if it be his will. But if my heart is to stay, that God take away the heartache. I don't know why God would allow my heart to stay with someone who I am not meant to be with, and I wouldn't think that he would. But God has a plan, a perfect plan, and if it be his will that my heart hurts a little bit longer, then I will not combat him. It's a constant, relentless battle for me. How to let go? Is something wrong with me? Has God sent me a sign and I missed it? Has God told me to let go and I just missed the memo?! (I read this back to myself, and laughed. I know it sounds silly, but it's true). I do not want to keep hurting. I do not want to keep missing him. It just isn't normal to still be hurting this long afterwards. Not at my age.
 
Why God is allowing my heart to continue to hurt, I don't understand, and I may never understand, but I thank God that he is allowing it. I thank God that although it may be painful now, he has a purpose for it. And walks by my side, holding my hand every step of the way.

Prom

Ooltewah High School Prom. April 24, 2010. Chattanooga Convention Center.

3/8/10 -

--The Date: Chris Metcalf.

--The Dress: I'm excited about prom this year! Mrs. Libby is once again making my dress and she always takes such care, I know it is going to be a beautiful dress. I've already picked out and purchased the pattern. We went fabric shopping this past weekend with no success. This week we will check out Hancock's IN STORE selection (because i do not want another fiasco like last year). If we can't find what we are looking for there, we'll venture to the fabric store in Sweetwater this weekend. The color is Royal Blue.

--The Hair: As of now, I'm thinking half up, half down. But I haven't decided whether I want curls.

--The Group: Well, there has been a bit of controvery over the group. Zachy wants us to go with his group (consists of: Zachy, Sarah, Emily, and Trevor), but Tyler wants Chris to go with his group (consists of: Tyler, Jordan, Cody, and Jennifer). Yea...I'm curious to know who's group Chris will pick.

3/9/10 -

--The Dress: Today, Mrs. Libby and I went on an adventure in search of material. After finding the material I liked at Hancock, we ventured to Wal Mart to find the overlay material to match (the sheer material over the satin). After no luck there, we went to Hobby Lobby where we found the satin material at a much lower price and overlay material. I'm a little worried that the overlay material wont fall right, but I'm hoping and praying for the best. Mrs. Libby is a very talented seamstress and I know she will do a wonderful job.

4/18/0 -

--The Dress: Mrs. Libby has been working lots and lots on it. It is looking gorgeous!! I love it! She is the best!! I don't know what I would do without her!!

--The Accesories: I have my jewelry and clutch and shoes. I'm pretty much set to go. I can't believe it is only one week away. I'm pretty nervous. I hope it goes well.

--The group: According to Zachy, we are going with him, but Chris hasn't actually told me that.

4/23/10 -

--The Dress: It will be done today. (Yes, the day before from is when my dress will be finished, but i love it!!) Mrs. Libby has done a fabulous job...again!

--The group: No idea what is going on. As far as I know, pictures at 5 in the art district, and dinner at 6.

--The weather: Stormy. Great!!

--Preparation: Already got my nails done Wednesday. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I don't do fake. No tanning beds (fake bakes), don't dye my hair, and now i have acrilic nails, which goes against that. Oh well. They are pretty and will hopefully get me though Prom, Class Night, and Graduation. I'm sooooo excited for the carwash in the morning!! But again...stormy. Which will not be so wonderful. Oh well. It ends at 2, so I'm at bit worried how well I will be able to get ready and be downtown in three hours.

4/24/10 -

Today is the day!!

4/25/10 -

It went really well. I had lots of fun. The dress was gorgeous. Handsome date. Great friends. There were a few setbacks in the planning (and a guy at the restraunt who still needs a good kick in the you know what for being a jerk to the poor man with one leg), but it all worked out. I guess that's the end of my senior prom. (:

Spring Break

This entry will consist of a Pre and Post section about my week.

Pre: 3/8/10 - Before my first college Spring Break truely begins, I would like to write about my feelings/anticipation. To begin with, I just found out I made an "A" on my statistics test!! But it doesn't quite make up for how I'm feeling. Last Wednesday, I got a very icky 24 hour bug, which I tried to overcome and prevail by continuing on with my day, but when i had to run to the bathroom in the middle of my first class, I quickly came to my senses, realizing, that it was not possible for me to remain at school. After that lovely little bug passed, I got a few secondary illnesses, which I still have. I currently have a sinus infection, laryngitis, ear infection, and my wisdon teeth are hurting. So, my week is not looking so bright yet, but hopefully, I can kick this and have a semi-normal Spring Break. My plans are to hopefully hang out with Aunt Robin on Monday. On Tuesday, Hamilton County Schools are closed to allow the Juniors to take the ACT, so I will probably hang out with someone from high school on that day. It is also Miss Katie's Birthday!! (Happy Birthday!! Love you!). On Wednesday, Chris, Katie, and Carlos will come to make cupcakes for youth for Katie's Birthday! On Thursday and Friday, I'm not sure what I will have planned, but I know Mrs. Libby and I will be going to Hancock's to look for material for my prom dress (if we can't find any here, we will be spending Saturday in Sweetwater shopping at the fabric store there). I would also like to get together with Cara for lunch one day. All this is pending on how well I feel though. Therefore, I am praying for a speedy recovery and a fun, relaxing, yet productive Spring Break.

Post: Whoops!! I'm a little late. Well..My week pretty much consisted of getting over being sick, which most definately over stayed it's welcome. I pretty much did everything from the "Pre" section. It was an alright Spring Break. Would've been much better if I hadn't been sick though. Oh well. I have 3 more to come in my college career.

College

I refer to this semester as "high school without the dress code and drama." I continue to debate whether my decision to graduate early was such a good idea. I am most certainly more quiet than ever. I can go an entire day saying only five words (which are usually spoken to Katie on my way to Comp 1). I feel so small in this big new world of "adults". I don't know many people, but that's alright. It gives me lots of time to think. I do miss aspects of high school though. Walking into a class and automatically having a best friend to sit with is something I will no longer take for granted. I also miss being protected. As silly as it sounds, in high school, I knew I always had someone to go to if I ever felt unsafe. Whether it be my guy-friends or a teacher, someone would always be there if need be. In college, that is not the case. Therefore, I am on my own. I wake up, drive, study, walk to class, all by myself most days. It's very different from anything I'm used to. This isn't quite how I pictured college being, but I do like it. It is a life experience. I never know exactly what new surprises it has in store for me, which keeps it interesting and a bit of the adventurous aspect in it.