Letting Go

And one day, one moment, it hits. You just know. It's time to walk away. When you've stood there so long and it does nothing but hurt, it's time to let go. You're doing nothing but killing yourself. Waiting for changes that will never come. Or, maybe they will. But why wait in misery? Why wait at all for someone who won't wait on you? And then, slowly, and very painfully, you let go. You move on. You tell yourself it will be ok, even though you don't know how it could ever be ok. It doesn't feel like it now, but just think about how amazing it will feel down the road when you can look back and say, "It hurt like hell then, but just look at me now. Look how far I've come."

Me, Myself, and I

I'm fine all by myself. I'm a strong independent girl who doesn't need to depend on anyone else. I'm intelligent. I'm pretty. I truly care about people. I'm loving. I have so much to give. And I feel like he just sees right through me, like I'm just another face in the crowd. How can he be fine with this so easily, when it's breaking my heart? I just don't understand. Doesn't he care? I'm done trying to be friends. He can come to me if and when he ever wants me around. It hurts too much to always feel like I'm the one making the effort. I feel so taken for granted.
Now, I just wish I could actually convince myself of all this.

Rollercoasters



The crazy rollercoaster of emotions I have amazes me. One minute, I'm wanting nothing more than to be held close and comforted. For you to tell me everything is going to be ok. And the next, I don't even want to try being friends anymore. It hurts either way. I can't imagine my life without you, and it hurts to see you accept this so easily. I told you when you walked through that door, everything would change. I was right. Every once in a while, you look at me and smile, but for the most part, I feel so invisible to you. Just another friend. How do you do that? I'm so jealous! I would give anything to not look at you and remember everything about us. Sometime it makes me so angry that you left, I want nothing more to do with you. I want to hate you. I want to say you never cared, but I know you did. You have a hard time showing it, but I know you do. I feel like I will never meet anyone else as amazing as you. I've never trusted anyone like I was able to to trust you. I've never had someone accept me exactly as I am, like you did. I've never been able to open up and feel so comfortable and safe with anyone, like I was able to with you. I just want this to be over. I'm tired of hurting. It takes every ounce of engery to smile and act like nothing is wrong when I'm with you. It's exausting. But then, I have those moments of glorious relief when I get this amazing sense of peace, and remember, God is working in my life at this very moment. He has a plan, and his plan is perfect. No matter how much this may hurt now, it will end. And in the end, I will be stonger. God has someone out there, I believe that. Whether it is Chris or not, he has someone. Someone who will love me for who I am, and who I can trust entirely. He will be someone who will never leave me and will be my best friend. I don't know about you, but for me, that is so exciting!

Hanging in There

This isn't a very well constructed post. I'm not even going to bother proofreading it. I'm just too tired:
Well, I'm here. It's been about three weeks now, and I've laid in bed almost every night wondering what in the world I've gotten myself into. In a nutshell, I don't have a roommate, which is the most lonely thing in the world. Natalie is busy a lot, so I haven't seen her much lately. Chris and I got back together, for a week. It didn't work out, so we broke back up. So I'm back at square one feeling completely broken again, but we're friends. Being friends with the person I'm crazy about is not easy. It takes every ounce of energy to put a smile on when I see him and pretend like my heart isn't shattered into a million pieces. I see him almost everyday, but I don't think he has a clue how much I miss him. I really wish all this wasn't happening. It's really stressful and confusing. As if I'm not enough of an emotional person, right? As for classes, they are going well. My public speaking teacher told me after my first speech, I cross my eyes when I get nervous. So now I'm even more nervous. I have biology with Tyler. It's nice to know at least one person in one of my classes. Spanish is killing me. It has by far the largest work load, but even that is doable. What kills me is that she expects me to participate in class! I don't do well participating in English, much less Spanish! Math is easy. And that leaves Philosophy. Discussing Plato's thoughts on life at 9am, is just not working for me. But once I wake up a bit, it really isn't too bad. The first football game is in 1 day and 19 hours!! I'm so excited for that! Plus, Boomsday is Sunday! And the family is coming up! Then Monday is Labor Day, no school! Yay! Other than all that, I've been super sick almost continuously since I got here. Well, actually, I guess since I started the Metformin, but it's gotten worse this week. Sometimes, I just want to go home. I really miss home. I miss my family, and my car, and my friends, and my work, and my bed, and my own private bathroom, and my normal size fridge, and a microwave that cooks the whole bacg of popcorn, and not just burn half of it. I miss my TV, I miss my filtered water, I miss darkness and quiet when I sleep. I miss being able to cook and bake. I just miss home. However, for now, this is where I am. This is where I'm staying, and I have to make the best of it. God has placed me here for a reason and I'll have faith that he will get me though this, one day at a time.