The crazy rollercoaster of emotions I have amazes me. One minute, I'm wanting nothing more than to be held close and comforted. For you to tell me everything is going to be ok. And the next, I don't even want to try being friends anymore. It hurts either way. I can't imagine my life without you, and it hurts to see you accept this so easily. I told you when you walked through that door, everything would change. I was right. Every once in a while, you look at me and smile, but for the most part, I feel so invisible to you. Just another friend. How do you do that? I'm so jealous! I would give anything to not look at you and remember everything about us. Sometime it makes me so angry that you left, I want nothing more to do with you. I want to hate you. I want to say you never cared, but I know you did. You have a hard time showing it, but I know you do. I feel like I will never meet anyone else as amazing as you. I've never trusted anyone like I was able to to trust you. I've never had someone accept me exactly as I am, like you did. I've never been able to open up and feel so comfortable and safe with anyone, like I was able to with you. I just want this to be over. I'm tired of hurting. It takes every ounce of engery to smile and act like nothing is wrong when I'm with you. It's exausting. But then, I have those moments of glorious relief when I get this amazing sense of peace, and remember, God is working in my life at this very moment. He has a plan, and his plan is perfect. No matter how much this may hurt now, it will end. And in the end, I will be stonger. God has someone out there, I believe that. Whether it is Chris or not, he has someone. Someone who will love me for who I am, and who I can trust entirely. He will be someone who will never leave me and will be my best friend. I don't know about you, but for me, that is so exciting!
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